like, if I’m nice (as I would prefer to be), a man might get the wrong impression, but I’m also afraid to be rude or do anything to upset them so I have to be the right kind of nice or polite - it’s a real double-bind, and something I don’t experience with women
This is one of the advantages of being old and grey haired. If you smile at a man, he just thinks you’re a daft old granny.
Oh wow! This one turned out to be serious mod-fodder!
Thank you Lady Butterfly, foxglove, and dandelion for being the very busy filters that keep out the trash.
As someone who was raised male, I can shed some light on this because it is absolutely a thing: Men are starved of emotional connection in their relationships with friends and often emotionally stunted as a result. Our culture doesn’t allow men to have emotionally fulfilling relationships with other men outside of very specific circumstances, often revolving around life-or-death situations or simulacrums of such situations (stuff that replicates war usually, like sports or hunting), so any sort of attempt at an emotional connection like a normal friendship has comes off as intimate or as romantic interest. Normal stuff like hugging, cuddling, or even just physical touch is largely off limits for men.
I don’t know how to deal with it, but it’s not just you. This is a verifiable phenomenon and why we get so many “2 guys sitting in a hot tub, 5 feet apart, 'cause they’re Not Gay” style situations.
anyone who is male who opens up to anyone else, male or female or trans, gets socially rejected. anytime i have opened up about any experience in my life i am socially rejected. women don’t understand this because it is normal for them to express emotions constantly and often socially celebrated and rewarded. male expression is viewed as hostile, bizarre, and a symptom of mental illness.
the only place men can open up is in professional places, like your therapist or therapy group.
it’s pretty easy. just think of a woman crying on a bench after a breakup. people will be concerned. a man doing this, will be viewed with hostility and suspicion.
I say it with all my heart: you need better friends, man. What you’re describing is common but not normal
thanks for your comment, but unfortunately this community has a rule that only women are permitted to comment or post, so please don’t comment further
hope you understand 💚
Yeah the first thing I think when i see a dude crying on a be*ch is suspicion. Probably a suicide bomber, just waiting for someone to get close!
Maybe they should try being gay then.
Ironically, I heard somebody say once that straight men write the best gay romance because nobody is as desperate for validation from men as a straight guy is, and it makes perfect sense. Gay guys have emotionally fulfilling relationships with other men all the time.
That makes a lot of sense! Holy shit the straights are not okay, and if you tell them or offer them culture they get mad.
It can be pretty difficult in the workplace. You try to network, get along well with your colleagues, be helpful and smile just to find out some guy thought you were flirting. Depends a bit on the work culture and industry, but in some places guys will go out together and help each other/build a network but as soon as you try to do the exact same thing with male colleagues they think you’re flirting.
As a trans woman, I generally don’t make eye contact, don’t talk, and try not to take up any space by existing, so attention doesn’t get drawn to myself. I wish me and my people could get off the national stage, and get back to living healthy lives, instead of dealing with the direct consequences of fascism.
First they ignore you
Then they laugh at you
Then they fight you
Then you win.We survived the attack helicopter era and now they’re fighting us. That’s because we’re winning. We used to be ignored because nobody stood up for us, now most people support us. We’re so close to winning.
When was it that trans people were allowed to live healthy lives, again?
sigh
I can offer you a hug.
Please note: this community is women-only, please read the rules before commenting.
They woooont
Excited to learn I’m welcome after reading the rules. Ha.
Trans women are, I am reliably informed, women.
You can tell by looking at the paychecks, for all society might say otherwise.
Edit: possibly double extra women, going by the paychecks.
Definitely double extra women. I just got handed a gender and don’t even think about it, they fought for and won theirs, that’s a goddamn battle trophy.
Yes but you’re talking about a narrative that implies a universality or underlying truth. I’m talking about math that implies an external perspective from the assholes who centrally manage our economy from the pedo island.
You are 100% totally welcome. Source: am moderator.
Your username conjures a delightful mental image lol
As this is a female-only community, quoting a female coworker I coincidentally discussed this with today:
“I used to change my behaviour sometimes because I was told it could be interpreted as fancying the male I’m talking to. Now I realize that’s not a my problem but a they problem. I talk to whoever, however, and if they ask me out I just say no.”
“Voila, it’s all about communication.”
“Exactly.”
er, I’m not sure quoting another woman is a suitable exception to the rules - maybe in the future please refrain; I appreciate your enthusiasm and desire to contribute, but it’s important that we respect the rules
Pretty ironic to quote a woman who agrees with him when the subject is women who modify their behavior for men. Who else thinks this “female” is real and everyone clapped at the end?
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Bro said “female”
Farken Ferengis
So you read the rules and you commented anyway?
It’s a trans-inclusive women’s com, no one’s checking chromosomes.
I don’t have this problem because men don’t typically see me as the kind of woman you sleep with. I’m free to be friendy.
As a man, if I’m nice to a woman, they think I want to sleep with them. 50/50 chance they’re rude back. Jokes on them, I compliment everyone if I have the chance.
Hi, not sure if you’re aware but this community is Women’sSuff, a woman only community for women to discuss women’s topics with other women. Rule 1 says women only quite clearly. We appreciate your input but would prefer you relay your experiences elsewhere in future.
Condolences, this made it to the public feed so there is going to be some people showing up without reading any rules.
Which is why we assume ignorance over malice, until further clarification is given.
Removed by mod
no need to get defensive, please play nice - and as hildegarde mentioned, please do not comment further
it’s totally OK that you didn’t notice the community you were in before commenting - it’s no big deal and happens all the time; and thank you for your understanding 💛
Every damned time…
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please play nice
Removed by mod
deleted by creator
As a man, I totally understand the sentiment. I feel the same reciprocally. I’m a huge dude and very scary looking so I’m very careful about how I look at people because I know I’m intimidating. I’m sorry to everyone I ever scared unintentionally.
thanks for your comment, but unfortunately this community has a rule that only women are permitted to comment or post, so please don’t comment further
hope you understand 💛
What if he’s bigender? I don’t think we should assume that just because someone’s a man, she isn’t also a woman.
Then he should have commented as a woman!
Valid, I’m sorry
Of course, don’t play too far or they’ll think you’re just playing “hard to get” because these men have it in their minds that every woman wants to sleep with them, and the ones that don’t are a “conquest”.
yes, it’s a real double bind, and it’s even worse because I’m afraid of what men will do; one time a man was frustrated with me and they literally physically grabbed me and started to push me- I know they feel they have a right to touch me, so I want to be polite and nice to avoid their anger or frustration, there’s a real sense of danger and wanting to placate
And what’s that, you’re a lesbian? And you just want to be friends? Obviously you’ve just never had the right man (note: The speaker always believes himself to be the right man)
This goes the other way too - can’t be too attentive (“nice” def isn’t the right word, bcs never be an asshole) bcs both man and women act (!!) like that when they have “romantic intent”.
I have to wait a couple of years to treat my friends/colleagues the way I want to (classic example: if I see a thing that makes me think of you/that would be useful to you, I wanna buy it as a gift - can’t really do to most folk after you’ve know only for a couple of weeks without it being weird).
Disgusting how dehumanizing some people are.
Tha5s why you always gotta be a bitch in public.
unfortunately he was referring to the women :-/
Oh why isn’t the comment removed then?
I see it as removed, maybe it takes a minute for the change to federate?
Still shows as unremoved for me. Probably just weird federation issues. Lots of comments do show as “Removed by mod”
I love so much face masks because at least that social cue can’t be taken for flirting when I’m wearing it.
that’s a good point, it’s like a social cloak!
That is the only condition I’ll smile in public.
All the time. Normally I’m nice and I’ll smile if we’re having a pleasant interaction. I have a major RBF and when I’m out in public I automatically counter it with a “happier” look to avoid the “you should smile once in awhile” comments 🤢. Fortunately (unfortunately?) I am not most men’s type(overweight) so they generally leave me alone but the grandpas omg. I’m definitely the type for grandpas, they latch on the second I smile at them and do not stfu. I volunteer at a senior center so I am all smiles 100% of the time. One of the grandpas told me how much he loves chubby girls and told me about this TV show where people pick someone to date based on their naked bodies and gushed over the chubby girls basically describing me… gahhhh!! I wish I was like the lady in the screenshot, it would be easier if I wasn’t worried about upsetting them lol.
