My mom is 78 and she has been guilt tripping me to be her care taker. She is currently living with my brother to help raising his kids.
She constantly tells me once they are old enough, she will move in with me so that I can take care of her.
The thing is I don’t know if I am capable. I can’t guarantee the future.
I also don’t want to shoulder the financial burden. She has money but she wants me to pay for her expenses so that she can leave (my brother’s) a generous inheritance. She always tellsd me I won’t get anything since 'i have no kids and I have enough money, and he needs more."
Now we are not talking. It hurts. Why can’t she understand not everyone can be a caretaker? Why is she expecting me to help raising his kids indirectly?
She’s already cut you out of the will. I know this isn’t completely about money, but wow. Emotionally, that’s a pretty big “fuck you”. Combined with the guilt tripping, she’s showing you massive disrespect, and isn’t even trying to meet you halfway. That does not sound like a tolerable, much less happy, living environment for you.
I’m glad she has money. That means she can afford her own nursing home.
She isn’t talking to you because I suspect emotional abuse is her weapon of choice. You’re in anguish; she’s just waiting for you to inevitably break. It’s worked for her before, hasn’t it? Has she been manipulating you for years? Playing you against your brother, too, I assume?
I know this will sound harsh, but the mother you love is either dead or never existed in the first place. Please don’t agree to her moving in. You will regret it within minutes.
I’ve been on the fence on it for years, but just recently I finally went no contact with my father. I’m not okay with this being how our relationship ends, and I never will be. But, for the sake of my kids, if nothing else, I will find the strength to learn to accept this outcome.
I wish you the strength to be able to choose, and walk, the path that is correct for you.
I want to talk to her and tell her my expectations. I have a feeling it won’t go well.
Don’t give in. You have every right to live your own life, free from whatever burdens she brings to the table for you. I’m saying this as someone who spent the last 15 months living with parents, striving to cobble together some sort of understanding on their part and have a healthy relationship. I failed, and I’m ok with that.
I understand. My mom drives me crazy on the phone already. I just can’t imagine living with her. I know the expectations but I hate to be a liar.
Expectations be damned. You don’t owe her anything. I highly suggest you do not care for her. In the case you do, you need strong and hard ground rules/boundaries that you set and she is well aware to not break/cross.
Fuck their expectations. Everyone’s got them. My advice, only give credence to your own expectations for yourself. It sounds like you’re being emotionally abused by her, as others have illustrated. You have no moral obligation to care for your abuser.
You need to this convo with both your brother and mother, not strangers
Just be careful, it’s in the brothers interest to have free care for his mother and to inherit the maximum amount of money…
Depending on your relationship with your brother, a private conversation first to figure out where he stands in is order. But depending on what culture you come from… You might have to stand up for yourself. Sorry your mother has these expectations of you and I hope you can find a solution that allows you to maintain a good relationship with your mother. But more importantly, protect yourself.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I’d say tell her straight, she is obviously closer to your brother, and you have not the means to take care of her. I sure hope my mom left more money to my sister, who took care of her, that’s fair, but she put her in assisted living when she couldn’t cope and that is important too. What my mom did not do is call up my rich and childless brother and unilaterally tell him she was moving in, and if she had, he would have turned her out faster than you can say “out”.
If your brother is dealing with her ok, and their relationship good, he can continue to do that and get whatever money is left when she dies. Talk to him.
So far you are the first one who understands our dynamic.
She is closer to me and relies on me a lot. I just hate to be a liar. I can get her a place to stay or even move to a bigger house and she can be the “downstairs tenent.” I just can’t see myself be the 24/7 care giver.
Why is life so difficult? Why do people get old? Where do old people go?
Tell her straight - she only wants to take from you, but gives to your brother. It’s really nothing to do with what she needs, or has.
What my sister did was help my mom get a small apartment near her, then the care home. She had a family but a rich husband so didn’t work and had more time.
I would actually let my husband’s mom or dad move in if we had space. They are ok and have enough money to cover nursing care, it wouldn’t be so bad. Not my mom.
If you have to cut her off, do it, but I think you can just stand firm and keep telling her no. If she wants help finding a place with more help for old people, do that with your brother. That place is not your place.
she thinks you are her retirement plan, and Nursing caretaker. She definitely has a golden child its your brother, shes only using it to financially offset her inheritence which you arnt getting. i would just point her to CNA care, and ignore her guilt tripping.
the guilt tripping is a form of subeterfuge, she knows you would refuse so the brother and her can rail on you for being a selfish “b-word” and probably draw in more family members agains you, that cleans thier hands of the bro of actually having to take care of them. i would just keep saying look for CNA/nursing home services.
even if you take her in, she is going to be abusive to you.
Yeah, that’s what I am thinking. I will be driven to madness by her in my home.
she is selfish, and doesnt want to spend money on her nursing/community senior center home. my grandma was in a community senior center(home) you might want to look into whats available, everytime she asks, give her links or the stuff you mentioned already.
Fuck your selfish mother. I’m sorry. But she’s mentally ill. Don’t let her illness strangle you.
That’s not mental illness. It’s just selfishness and being carelessly cruel.
It’s OK to not like your family. You didn’t get to choose if and where you’re born.
It sounds like OP very much cares about their family. Family just doesn’t respect OP.
I do like my mom. She just drives me crazy and she doesn’t understand why I am not “accommodating to her demands.”
she doesn’t understand why I am not “accommodating to her demands.”
This, in my opinion, is key. It seems like she thinks she has a right to “demand” you take on the role of caregiver. She expects you to consider her needs without her considering yours.
My .02¢, now’s a great time to establish boundaries. It’s not unreasonable to explain that she can ask, not demand.
I understand. In this case, it sounds like she wants you to predict the future, and that’s more than a little unreasonable.
Indeed. That’s why I thought OP might benefit from reading my comment. As sometimes people don’t know that that’s allowed.
I don’t have a whole lot to add but one piece of actionable advice, I agree with several posters that you won’t find answers on the internet. Looking at some of the vitriolic responses I read as I skimmed through the thread, I actually advise you to STOP reading these because some people are intentionally/unintentionally egging you into more anger and conflict, which will definitely not help. None of us understand your mother, your brother, or your family dynamics. Passing judgment is easy on the Internet but only you should be judging whether your mother is selfish, narcissistic, abusive etc, don’t let faceless rabble rousers on lemmy exacerbate the situation in your mind
Anyways, the one thing I think is that if your mother actually intends to leave her money to her grandchildren (which is not wholly unreasonable even if it hurts), you should recommend that she leave it in a trust instead of just willing it directly to your brother. First of all, just willing it would leave the inheritance open to legal challenges from you or other family members (whether you intend to challenge the estate in court or not, you can, and would likely win), and second, there’s no guarantee that your brother would actually use any money for college or whatever and not just blow it on a boat.
If she’s serious about wanting her money to go to the grandkids she needs to work with an estate attorney and get it set up in a trust to protect her wishes. If she doesn’t want to do that then it gives less credibility to what she is claiming as her intent, and you can address that accordingly as you figure out what the best way forward is.
All the rest, her living arrangements whether with you or your brother or in a home, you guys just have to figure it out. I will tell you from experience that assisted living is ridiculously expensive and in general they are NOT good places. Whatever inheritance she wants to leave for the kids might not even be there if she spends some years in a home, and quality of life will likely suffer. Just stating generalities, not trying to sway you one way or another, and I’m sure there’s plenty of exceptions. My perspective is from USA if that matters.
Situation sucks. Sorry about that. You’ll get it figured out and I hope it’s not too painful but the reality is that it might not have a happy outcome.
Remember this, children don’t owe their parents anything. Also Children should be respected as human beings, so your mum who raised you like cattle deserves none
I’m sorry to hear you going through this, to me it felt like having to drag a heavy rock tied to my throat. My granddad did the same to mum and I and it was… draining.
He completely let himself go after grandma died (he was about 67-70 then), stopped doing stuff, and lost a leg due to poor circulation and diabetes. He expected mum to do his every bidding, even to move out of her apartment with her boyfriend and everything on the 24th of December, because he suddenly didn’t like the countryside anymore and wanted to switch. It was, of course, a ploy to force himself to become a flatmate. Eventually, mum was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo chemo, and he still had her running errands the day after, in between bouts of her regurgitating her ass off.
After she died, that expectation fell on me, as he was my main paternal figure growing up (the grandparents were the dominators in the family, mum and I the dominated, long story). I said “fuck that” faster than he could blink. I did everything I could do for him, like scheduling medical appointments, paying his bills, and once he couldn’t function by himself anymore (overadministered insulin and put himself in a brief Christmas coma) finding him a spot at an old folks’ home, a 20-minute cab ride from my front door (we lived in different cities, moved him to mine). Shit went South fast because he couldn’t stand not being in control, but that’s a different story, and also where our interactions stopped for the most part.
The point is, nobody has any right to impose on you in any way, even your parents. Yes, they did raise and provide for us, but we do not owe them the same by default. That was their responsibility for making us in the first place. This type of caretaking has to be earned.
I struggled with this feeling for a long time in my twenties (same, about mum), but I realised that the sense I had for my “given” family (a.k.a. the one I didn’t choose) was that I’ll be there for any medical or otherwise serious emergencies, but we will not live together, nor will I wipe their ass. Unless we get along REALLY well and they enrich my life with their presence! Otherwise, I’ll do what’s strictly necessary to keep them alive, and that’s that.
Thank you for putting it together so nicely.
This is exactly my dilemma. I don’t want to lie to her. Near the end of my dad’s life, my mom also wanted to put my dad in a nursing home. She just “doesn’t” remember (or conveniently thinks it doesn’t apply to her )
I just want her to understand my limits. Obviously she didn’t like my answer. We should to talk daily and now we haven’t talked for more than a week.
You’re very welcome, glad something resonated!
Also, yep, totally get that, too. But, unfortunately… our boundaries are for us, not for others, they’re how much we accept/allow/offer/etc., as a self-imposed limit. All you can do is give both her and yourself space from the tension. It may well be inevitable, but no sense in forcing it.
What I did with granddad was consistently and constantly repeating the idea that he would need specialised medical care, of which I am not capable. In addition, he’d need mobility assistance, assistance with grooming, with cooking, with cleaning, with feeding, and I told him straight from the beginning that I don’t do roommates, nor do I do house calls. I’d repeat this idea every time he’d hit a medical hurdle, and I’d casually drop nice places I’d find into the conversation. I didn’t force anything, I didn’t pester him, and when he got aggressive, I’d end the subject and move on to something practical.
He asked me to find him a spot after about two years of this arrangement. It was that self-induced coma I mentioned which woke him up, as one of my aunts and another neighbor had a really hard time moving an unconscious 70kg old fuck off the mattress. And I only made it back there after he’d already been admitted into the hospital (he came to after about 3 days).
That’s how I’d go about things if I had to do it again, stand firm with my limits, and reinforce them assertively and with patience whenever needed. I think part of the reason why it’s hard to accept the possibility of moving to a home is because they can’t even conceive of it, plus because they’re convinced they’re right in their assumption that we’d drop our lives and play the 24/7 caretakers.
Please, try to focus on the fact that YOU know where you stand. You know your limits on this, you know what you are and aren’t willing to offer, you have full control over those and nobody can take that away from you, let alone through mere disbelief.
Edit: it may or may not be a factor, but guilt was a pretty big kick in the groin for me. I don’t really have any advice for dealing with it other than constantly reminding yourself of the fairness of what is asked of you, but in my case it was comorbid with other trauma-based maladaptations. Anyway, hope with all my heart it won’t chew at your toes as much as it did mine, and that things’ll progress as peacefully as possible for you!
Not having kids is just as much a life choice as not letting her move in. She will have to respect that. Her attitude is further reason to not let her move in. She sounds horrible. Why rely on you, if she has money or even more money to give away? This is a horrific power game you can only lose if you give in. I guess she is someone who never had to deal with the consequences of behaving like an asshole. Time to show her that respect has to be earned. And she lost hers for you, if she ever had any.
You need to sit down as a family and figure it out.
Randos on the interwebs can’t decide your life.
Thanks for your contribution to, uh, /c/relationship_advice
While this is a convo for your family, alone, remember that a proper care arrangement can include semi-independent living in a complex with individual patio-homes where the care options scale up with need and not before.
In my region, the cost of this is 3/4 the patient’s pay, and none of their assets, so it also scales with one’s ability to pay from current income. If the patient is on OAP, then 75% of that goes to care, cafeteria, rent, strata stuff, etc.
As potentially the only option with CPR-trained staff on call 24/7, it also may be an appealing option that keeps her independent and you sane.
Do you live in the same country as OP? Because if they’re in the US it’s highly unlikely that’s available to them.
