My mom is 78 and she has been guilt tripping me to be her care taker. She is currently living with my brother to help raising his kids.
She constantly tells me once they are old enough, she will move in with me so that I can take care of her.
The thing is I don’t know if I am capable. I can’t guarantee the future.
I also don’t want to shoulder the financial burden. She has money but she wants me to pay for her expenses so that she can leave (my brother’s) a generous inheritance. She always tellsd me I won’t get anything since 'i have no kids and I have enough money, and he needs more."
Now we are not talking. It hurts. Why can’t she understand not everyone can be a caretaker? Why is she expecting me to help raising his kids indirectly?
You’re very welcome, glad something resonated!
Also, yep, totally get that, too. But, unfortunately… our boundaries are for us, not for others, they’re how much we accept/allow/offer/etc., as a self-imposed limit. All you can do is give both her and yourself space from the tension. It may well be inevitable, but no sense in forcing it.
What I did with granddad was consistently and constantly repeating the idea that he would need specialised medical care, of which I am not capable. In addition, he’d need mobility assistance, assistance with grooming, with cooking, with cleaning, with feeding, and I told him straight from the beginning that I don’t do roommates, nor do I do house calls. I’d repeat this idea every time he’d hit a medical hurdle, and I’d casually drop nice places I’d find into the conversation. I didn’t force anything, I didn’t pester him, and when he got aggressive, I’d end the subject and move on to something practical.
He asked me to find him a spot after about two years of this arrangement. It was that self-induced coma I mentioned which woke him up, as one of my aunts and another neighbor had a really hard time moving an unconscious 70kg old fuck off the mattress. And I only made it back there after he’d already been admitted into the hospital (he came to after about 3 days).
That’s how I’d go about things if I had to do it again, stand firm with my limits, and reinforce them assertively and with patience whenever needed. I think part of the reason why it’s hard to accept the possibility of moving to a home is because they can’t even conceive of it, plus because they’re convinced they’re right in their assumption that we’d drop our lives and play the 24/7 caretakers.
Please, try to focus on the fact that YOU know where you stand. You know your limits on this, you know what you are and aren’t willing to offer, you have full control over those and nobody can take that away from you, let alone through mere disbelief.
Edit: it may or may not be a factor, but guilt was a pretty big kick in the groin for me. I don’t really have any advice for dealing with it other than constantly reminding yourself of the fairness of what is asked of you, but in my case it was comorbid with other trauma-based maladaptations. Anyway, hope with all my heart it won’t chew at your toes as much as it did mine, and that things’ll progress as peacefully as possible for you!