One of the best weeks since I started transitioning. Can’t get into details without doxing myself but suffice to say, I feel very free right now and I feel that the future might not be quite as terribly horrible.

It’s been hell but nothing new under Sol. Trying to figure a way out of here and not give up(kms) has felt impossible. Another lonely week. It’s wild how fast I’m losing the battle for my own heart and mind. Lost in space and time.

https://youtu.be/fdI1Tb9A1Ng

Got a huge crashdown in the middle of the week and reach to my long-distance situationship for support. She was super cool and I came out to her. She was very accepting but she hasn’t seen physical changes sooo I dunno. We’ll see. But I met a trans friend and had a drink together. She’s pretty much a guide right now. She’s the only trans person I know and she has been for most of her life. So developing a friendship with her means something to me (she’s also very cool and nice obviously).

Strangely it did worsen my impostor syndrom for most of the evening. I felt like the eye of Sauron was judging whether I was legitimatly trans, which we can all agree is ridiculous. She even explicitly told me that imposter syndrom is very dangerous, and to be avoided as much as possible. I’m just vulnerable lately. But that was until she told me she clearly saw signs I was trans before I told her and she gave me one of the greatest gift I’ve ever received in my life : A bible on transidentity that’s not printed anymore (“Gender Stories” by Lexie, “Histoires de genre” in original language), wrapped with a film ribbon of a spaceship launching and with a hard label written “Aurore” on it (Dawn in French, my new name !). It was even sealed with a pentagram like a gift from witch to witch hehehe. The film and seal shall be my bookmark, and the label forever in my cardholder.

On the negative side, I missed my train back from the weekend and a queer friend of mine is seemingly not measuring how important this is all to me, despite what she told me… I intended to lean on her for my transition since she did gender studies and all, but I’m slowly assuming these are just a scam. The only other person I knew that did gender studies was just mean and performative :/

My plan for next week : buy clothes, more makeup and stonk my blahaj +++++

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Had a consultation for GRS on Tuesday. Doctor said she’d send me her assessment within 2-3 weeks. Got it on Friday!!! I think this is the first time something transition related went quicker than expected lol. That meant I had all the documents to submit my application for GRS coverage by insurance.

Now I’m on the way back from putting the application in the mail. I’m thrilled!! But also very scared I missed something out of the many many documents they want and all the regulations. Here’s hoping that isn’t the case and I get a reply within the next 6 weeks. If so, the doc said I can get a surgery appointment within 3-6 months. I hope that works out, surgery in winter would be much better than in summer.

Super sick most of the week, and the US healthcare system is awful. “We don’t test for flu because the CDC said the season is over; here’s a list of homeopathic remedies to try” is the last thing you want to hear from urgent care.

I did manage to ride my bike in a charity ride this weekend! My first metric century was a lot of fun. I hope to do more!

fleeing leaving the South (in the US), worried I’ll have to flee the US too

not gud-…

will hav to yap to therapist tomorrow… has been a hottest minute…