Among the many curiosities of the Western tribes, none is more baffling than their suspicion of sentience itself. To reason, perceive connections, or even show basic faculties like object permanence or perceiving cause and effect is often deemed effeminate, subversive, or, most damningly, “woke,” a term marking heresy against tribal superstitions.

A telling example is a female tribal elder of the Floridian persuasion, who had long performed rites forbidding physicians from aiding the women of her primitive swamp-dwelling tribe. When herself denied help in peril, she blamed “the Left,” a mythical evil spirit used by westerners to explain all misfortunes, and not her own actions for her predicament.

Such aberrations likely stem from peculiarities of the Occidental cranium, whose shape suggests underdeveloped frontal cogitos.