In my experience, dysphoric thoughts can be contagious in a way, a particular, dysphoric way of seeing can transmit to other dysphoric trans people who may have not have considered that way of seeing.
(I am of course not implying gender dysphoria is contagious, just that my experiences with dysphoria have in the past caused other dysphoric people to have worse dysphoria.)
So as a precaution, I’ll put my cognitohazard dysphoria thoughts behind a spoiler.
dysphoric thoughts
Since vaginoplasty, my bottom dysphoria has been vastly improved - but I continue to feel remarkable “sameness” in my genitals, and that continues to be unsettling.
Even this week, twice when aroused my clit felt engorged, which I experienced as being erect, just as I was pre-op. Each time it creates a rising, panicky fear that I actually am erect down there, that I still have a penis.
Other times my labia can feel like a scrotum - they can kind of sag sometimes and look and feel like a scrotum (because that’s what they are made of), and that can be unsettling, too. I used to have the worst feeling when I could feel my scrotum slap against my thigh, and sometimes my labia can almost reproduce that same “loose” feeling down below that I dread.
These feelings have improved somewhat over time, and it’s only been three months since my surgery, so it’s still recent-ish. I don’t know how long these dysphoric feelings will continue, but I assume they will get better.
I guess I’m looking for reassurance, or at least someone else who has had similar experiences to chime in on theirs.
You must log in or register to comment.
I’m getting mine in 2 weeks, but getting PPT so no scrotal tissue is used as labia will be made from the shaft since that’s not needed for the vagina, but I expect similar experience with the clit at first from what I’ve read.
But for me, I’ve actually had what I’ve been calling phantom vagina/vulva most of my life. Basically, the feeling that the peritoneum and area being the scrotum should have an opening and the shaft should be a clit. So I’m hopeful that putting things the way my brain thinks they’re supposed to be will make it easier for me at least.
But everything I’ve read has told me your experience is normal and will change over time. But it will likely take years and even then relapses of it may come up here and there. For now, take comfort in what has improved And I’ve heard you should spend time looking at and exploring touching yourself with a nonsexual intent to help train your brain on what’s actually there. I was reading to use your dilating time for that at the very least as well as time after masturbating when things are especially sensitive but you’re relaxed.
much luck to you!
They were supposed to use the skin from my phallus, but it had no stretch or flexibility and the surgeon had to discard it during the surgery, so the scrotum was used instead.
I had phantom vulva experiences pre-op, if I didn’t look or notice it felt like I had a vagina down there in a way - part of that was because my penis was so small and often internal, and it wasn’t until my mid 20s that my scrotum became longer and larger like a man’s, so most of the time it held close to me and it wasn’t atypical for my testes to rest in my inguinal canals when sitting or wearing tight clothes.
After I started estrogen, there were times that using a vibrator on my scrotum felt like stimulating labia.
I think in some ways what is so disturbing is how similar it all feels to pre-op, the way I have thought about my genitals didn’t change with the surgery, so all the residual self-image of having a scrotum and penis haunts me.
Anyway, I hope you will write about your experiences with the surgery, and I hope the surgery goes well 💖
As a neuroscience graduate, I can tell you that the brain takes some time to rewire according to the anatomical changes. Broadly speaking it happens by two mechanisms long term potentiation (LTP) and long term depression (LTD) which cause synapses to strengthen/weaken respectively. LTP is simply if a synapse is used it gets stronger. No problem there, because most of the synapses you need are already strong. LTD is more tricky because you need activation that is weak in comparison to useful activation over time. So you need to drown out those connections over time.
If I might be so crude, you could try touching yourself in front of the mirror. Neural impulses from your eyes and hands will likely speed up the process, and help psychologically.
@dandelion It definitely goes away. For a while, I sort of had a dual awareness. Everything was new and different, but I could also feel everything the way it used to be. I could tell which parts used to be where by sensation alone.
But those days are long gone now. There’s no more dual sensations.
thank you Ada, that is really comforting 🥰
I feel like part of that “scrotum” feeling is phantom nerves because I used to get that feeling and it’s basically gone after a few years.
The erect panic honestly Idk if I experienced it because it feels so much smaller/different/undetectable.
I feel like part of that “scrotum” feeling is phantom nerves because I used to get that feeling and it’s basically gone after a few years.
That’s a relief - I swear it actually looks like a scrotum to me, too. It only occasionally feels loose and reminds me of a scrotum that way, most of the time that isn’t the case. Either way, it’s a relief to hear it goes away - thank you 💖
The erect panic honestly Idk if I experienced it because it feels so much smaller/different/undetectable.
tmi / nsfw details
my penis was small before and often shrunk inside of me, so that adds to the “sameness” of it all - a lot of times it feels like my penis was just … stapled into me or inside of me, if that makes sense - it feels like it’s there still (and in a sense it is, really). I get this feeling especially when I twist my body while lying down - as I twist, the tissue is pulled taught in a way that highlights the phallus beneath.
Also, while the glans is obviously smaller and physically hidden, because pre-op my penis usually was retracted and my glans was even sometimes hidden inside me, I guess I was used to this way of being with a penis. (To be honest, I didn’t have that much bottom dysphoria - it was mostly an issue during sex, and I was able to adapt to it for the most part by just mildly dissociating and seeing my body as not mine, something I did a lot of the time anyway.)
As I felt extremely aroused and felt the clit engorge, it really reminds me of exactly what it was like to have an erection - it feels erect, and it’s shocking to me that my partner doesn’t even report the clit hardening or noticeably changing for her.
ah I understand now it’s like if you flex the muscles down around there it does have that sensation of "hardening/shifting " even though ngl my clit never feels hard like a penis had or perhaps I’ve forgotten it properly. But based your experience I could see how that would feel similar. I’m not sure what to recommend since even after years I didn’t shrink much
yeah, it’s not that it actually feels big to my fingers or anything - there is no actual physical erection happening, but the sensations in the clit itself remind me so much of an erection I get afraid it somehow is becoming an actual erection anyway, it’s like a paranoia almost
