In my experience, dysphoric thoughts can be contagious in a way, a particular, dysphoric way of seeing can transmit to other dysphoric trans people who may have not have considered that way of seeing.
(I am of course not implying gender dysphoria is contagious, just that my experiences with dysphoria have in the past caused other dysphoric people to have worse dysphoria.)
So as a precaution, I’ll put my cognitohazard dysphoria thoughts behind a spoiler.
dysphoric thoughts
Since vaginoplasty, my bottom dysphoria has been vastly improved - but I continue to feel remarkable “sameness” in my genitals, and that continues to be unsettling.
Even this week, twice when aroused my clit felt engorged, which I experienced as being erect, just as I was pre-op. Each time it creates a rising, panicky fear that I actually am erect down there, that I still have a penis.
Other times my labia can feel like a scrotum - they can kind of sag sometimes and look and feel like a scrotum (because that’s what they are made of), and that can be unsettling, too. I used to have the worst feeling when I could feel my scrotum slap against my thigh, and sometimes my labia can almost reproduce that same “loose” feeling down below that I dread.
These feelings have improved somewhat over time, and it’s only been three months since my surgery, so it’s still recent-ish. I don’t know how long these dysphoric feelings will continue, but I assume they will get better.
I guess I’m looking for reassurance, or at least someone else who has had similar experiences to chime in on theirs.
I’m getting mine in 2 weeks, but getting PPT so no scrotal tissue is used as labia will be made from the shaft since that’s not needed for the vagina, but I expect similar experience with the clit at first from what I’ve read.
But for me, I’ve actually had what I’ve been calling phantom vagina/vulva most of my life. Basically, the feeling that the peritoneum and area being the scrotum should have an opening and the shaft should be a clit. So I’m hopeful that putting things the way my brain thinks they’re supposed to be will make it easier for me at least.
But everything I’ve read has told me your experience is normal and will change over time. But it will likely take years and even then relapses of it may come up here and there. For now, take comfort in what has improved And I’ve heard you should spend time looking at and exploring touching yourself with a nonsexual intent to help train your brain on what’s actually there. I was reading to use your dilating time for that at the very least as well as time after masturbating when things are especially sensitive but you’re relaxed.
much luck to you!
They were supposed to use the skin from my phallus, but it had no stretch or flexibility and the surgeon had to discard it during the surgery, so the scrotum was used instead.
I had phantom vulva experiences pre-op, if I didn’t look or notice it felt like I had a vagina down there in a way - part of that was because my penis was so small and often internal, and it wasn’t until my mid 20s that my scrotum became longer and larger like a man’s, so most of the time it held close to me and it wasn’t atypical for my testes to rest in my inguinal canals when sitting or wearing tight clothes.
After I started estrogen, there were times that using a vibrator on my scrotum felt like stimulating labia.
I think in some ways what is so disturbing is how similar it all feels to pre-op, the way I have thought about my genitals didn’t change with the surgery, so all the residual self-image of having a scrotum and penis haunts me.
Anyway, I hope you will write about your experiences with the surgery, and I hope the surgery goes well 💖