It makes me (18m) really sad when my bf (24m) is depressed. Sometimes he runs hot and cold and says he doesn’t know if we should break up or not but then he says it feels right to be with me and he wants to stay.
Sometimes he doesn’t like doing stuff for me even when I do stuff for him or doesn’t like my interests much but wants me to like his. However, he can’t do much of anything or talk right now because he’s very depressed.
He’s not like himself, and it’s sort of making me feel depressed. How can I help without making myself extremely depressed too? I feel like I understand why he stopped doing certain stuff, and he says he can’t show love for me like he could for his exes. He said it felt right to be my bf but that he didn’t know if we should date.
You might just be a member of the “I’m gay and had a terrible older boyfriend as a teenager” club.
Relationships are supposed to be supportive and fulfilling. You’re 18 years old, go live your life and have fun. If he told you he isn’t sure he should be dating you, then you shouldn’t. You should really WANT to date someone. Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting
Check his new post, he’s his ex now
Oh dang, nice! (Not nice that they broke up but nice that OP chose to break away)
It doesn’t sound like this is a relationship that makes you happy, and you’ve just entered into an adult world of options and exploration. Personally, I wouldn’t waste time. How likely do you see this being long term and happy?
Additionally, while 18-24 isn’t necessarily a “problematic” age gap, you are in different parts of your life entirely. The amount your personality, interests, goals, social network, etc change between 18 and 24 is huge. If I had a friend that was dating an 18 year old at 24, I’d be very confused and a little concerned. When I was 18, I was still figuring out who I was, worrying about paying for college, trying and failing at relationships until I had made the mistakes and learned the lessons I needed to. When I turned 24, I was engaged, friends of mine were all graduated, some with kids, some married, and we were all well into a developing adult life. You should really take advantage of the time you have. I wouldn’t waste it on someone that isn’t willing to do the legwork to take care of themselves, much less you. You aren’t responsible for their depression, much less so at the cost of important years of your young adulthood.
Edit: I just saw your update, I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself
Is he working on his depression? Therapy, self care, is he working on himself?
Also
Sometimes he doesn’t like doing stuff for me even when I do stuff for him or doesn’t like my interests much but wants me to like his.
Kinda a red flag, unless I’m misreading. It sounds like he doesn’t like doing stuff for you and doesn’t care for your interests. A relationship is people giving and taking. If ones depressed and can’t give that’s fine but ones gotta make up for it in their own way. Later when they can. If not something to ask yourself is can you do this for the rest of your life. Are you ok with that.
Thank you. He says nothing will help his depression, first he needs to leave his abusive dad.
He’s usually like “I’ll do it later” or “I never liked that show, it’s stupid because I’m older than you.” I’ll try seeing how he is later on or find someone else.
9I’ve had depression a long time. And getting to the help part is really shitty, but until he’s going to a doctor and getting treatment, like medication that significantly reduces symptoms, and getting on top of his personal needs to be healthy, then you’re dating someone with an untreated disorder. If his idea of coping is doing less, he’ll just keep removing things from his life until nothing’s left. Really, tell him you’re making an appointment and he needs to talk about the depression and getting treatment, drive him there, talk to the doctor if you can at all, if you can’t get him to agree to that, it just stays the same or gets worse. If you plan on sticking it out, the process of getting the meds right and getting on top of self care is LONG and painful. Lastly, if at any point you don’t want to do this anymore, I’d recommend walking away. People can change every day, but we can’t make them change. They have to be willing and serious. Some people take a very long time to get a hold of their issues.
I wish I could make him an appointment, but we’re long distance sadly. He thinks therapy or anything won’t help :(
yeah, that attitude is only going to fail him. there’s no amount of doing nothing that helps. my depression was caused by a subarachnoid brain cyst. I needed several doctors to do their job to figure that out. and an MRI tech who went above and beyond. depression can be a symptom of a lot of solvable medical problems, but you wont find out on the couch.
Leaving his abusive dad is fair but he needs to take steps to improve his mental health either way. Healing from trauma takes time and needs professional help. There’s a saying, you can only lead a horse (or animal /entity of choice) to water, but you can’t make them drink.
Does he do it later? And how often are you dealing with him belittling your tastes?
Again do you think this is a relationship that can endure? Can you endure this? Do you see him changing how he sees himself?
I completely agree, no he doesn’t do it later and I couldn’t endure it apparently, because we broke up
Damn, that was fast.
I wish you the best with your love life. You deserve someone who takes an interest in you and things that make you happy, and does nice things for you.
