Hi, so me (29NB) and my partner (23F) of almost 3 years have realized that our goals and long term plans are incompatible and that we can’t stay together (not what I am here for, so no need to get into it) the thing is that we love eachother and get along great, and even after realizing that we are breaking up, we both still want to be friends. My question is, how? How to turn a relationship with plenty of sex and love into a platonic friendship without ending up emotionally stuck on each-other or having “slip-ups”?
At first I though that maybe starting with like 3 months of no contact can help make a clean slate to return to and start a new friendship on, but after discussion it I think that we still need eachothers’ support as friends and it would be quite hard for us to just cut contact.
I had another idea of slowely banning romantic elements until the relationship goes platonic, maybe something like every week ban a new element, first can be saying “I love you” or terms of endearment, second could be sleeping over (we don’t live together), third could be sex, etc, until we are essentially friends. But is this a terrible idea that will just leave us hung up on eachother?
Anyone with experience on how to turn mutual romantic love into a platonic love/friendship?
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IME it works differently for different people.
Some folks float apart with grace, an amicable break and a parallel drift to a friend pace.
Some need to basically say goodbye, a hard break, then rediscover each other later.
Just know that at least half of that process is not something you can control. You can be supportive and kind. You can let them know you’re still in their corner if they ever need you in plenty of ways.
But sometimes what they need most from you is to no longer need you, and sometimes they need to make space for someone else for that new relationship to have a chance.
If you still want to attempt platonic right away: boundaries. My advice is to keep things light, especially if you have regular contact.
If you want a hard break, maybe put an event on the calendar to meet up, like tickets to see your favorite band next season.
For something in between, maybe occasionally send her stuff you come across that you know she’d laugh at, or replay the inside jokes, stories, adventures, mishaps, etc.
Regardless, maintain the boundaries you agreed on at the start, especially re: her love life. You are happy if she is happy. That it. If you can’t feel that deep down, for real, go for the hard break.
Seconding going cold turkey.
6 months though.
This. I had a relationship where essentially this same thing went down. Take that time. We both treasure each other as friends now, and our partners are friends as well. But it’s good to make space for that shift to happen, to make it happen intentionally.
My ex and I broke things off together after realizing our long term goals were not aligned.
At first it hurt but we weren’t angry. We still visited but lived separately. They got into a relationship first and it was OK because we weren’t a thing. We actually were just friends right off the bat but I think they had not fully let go because of how they’d act and talk about things…
Eventually they said their partner wasn’t OK with us hanging out and I tried to reason and asked when either of us were ever on with being told who we could or could not be around?
Anyways short version, I would still be friends with them if it weren’t for their next partner.
Things vary by people. Just end it and then see how it plays out.
I’m still nominal friends with all my exes. Give it time and space. Don’t trickle off, you need to go cold turkey until the wounds have healed.
Thank you, I feel like that is probably true, but I guess I’m hoping that there are other options.
Please, please, please, look at the relationship books by Gottman, & see which of those will protect your heart-&-spirit wealth from this world’s toxic corrosion…
Then please also both of you invest in Logan, King, & Fischer-Wright’s book “Tribal Leadership” on the 5 culture-modes/levels ( not stages, which are irreversible, like caterpillar->hippopotamus: you can’t go back, right? ) of social-process, & how to get out from the subject-to-narcissism’s-rule mode ( level-2 ), that more & more & more of our world’s population is being locked-in, up through self-centered-mode, into the healthy modes, 4 & 5.
It gives systematic methods for protecting one’s life-worth, & is worth investing in.
Here is the TED Talk too-short-to-really-understand edition of that book: https://www.ted.com/talks/david_logan_tribal_leadership
Also, there’s some books by … Eggerichs … on a fundamental-wiring-difference between guys & wymmins, THE fundamental-need for male-ego, is “respect”-validity, whereas THE fundamental-need for women is feeling-loved.
NOT understanding that butchers much relationship-worth from our world ( wish I’d known decades earlier ).
Please read the on-the-web-page sample, to get the hang of the concept, for yourself.
You have to make what-you-value-&-need remain, among this going-to-hell world, you have to make it have its own time, its own place, same as some people have a room dedicated to yoga & meditation: their personal ashram… once that habit’s established, then even just going in the room begins their relaxation & healing, right? Make your relationship be the opposite of the Dark Triad sht that’s gaining dominion…
May your relationship remain treasure that you both value & love.