See title. How do I even cope with never being able to get pregnant? I mourn the fact that I never even once had the opportunity to get pregnant, to feel life in me developing, and all that. Of all things, this gives me the greatest dysphoria. I want to have wider hips and larger boobs, and even though I’m 28 (so hip widening likely won’t happen… maybe surgery?) and I’m 7 months on HRT, I feel like it’s not satisfactory yet. It has made me so much happier and I feel much more liberated having HRT, but even before I knew trans was a thing, even early on, I still had the desire to eventually be able to get pregnant.
I don’t care that it’s a lot of morning sickness, feeling miserable and extremely tired, heavy, and all that - I experienced long illness before. But having someone at the end of it, feeling the baby kick… I heavily miss that I cannot experience that. I’m happy for those who can, but I wish I could, and I want to actively fight for it. Even if I die or suffer horribly, then at least I will have contributed to further understanding so that people may one time experience it.
To that child whom I will likely not have the luck of carrying – may life find you when it calls you. I love you with all my heart and I wish I were able to see you. If I ever do succeed in that, then I swear solemnly to thank the world for its bounty and gifts; and regardless I will support all who struggle through life.
There are many cis women that will never be able to give birth and the actual hope is terrible and destroying, not to mention the actual physical toll. In many cases the acceptance that it will never happen allows for some healing and the search for alternatives. Being a mother is not just carrying a child in your womb, that part, although wonderful on it’s own is just the beginning. I wish you the best of luck.
Oh, I’m aware that plenty of cis women can’t either, and it doesn’t make them any less of a woman. I know a few of them myself from close - and we’ve got good bands. But that lack of being able to do what you feel like your right body should be able to - that is a dysphoria we share.
I know that (active) motherhood is something for at least 18 years, not for just nine months. And even knowing how rough parenthood would be especially in the first while, I would prefer that.
I don’t mind the physical toll, and in fact would like it. Even just knowing that it’s developing in me, would gladden me.
I have relative peace with myself, but I just needed to vent this out. If Lili Elbe could get a uterine transplant, so too I think someone should be the first (and be able to make it). And I won’t let that gatekeeping stand in the way of liberation for us all!