Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it’s always a horrible time to do so.
A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she’d clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn’t, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn’t start with “hey, you keep saying you’ll clean but you don’t”.
A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn’t get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said “isn’t that bette” and she said “well, I don’t feel really any different but I’ll do this for you”.
A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.
At this point I’m feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I’m terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn’t want to be blind sided. I’m unsure how to show her I’m unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.
She’s the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn’t understand people who can’t just tell people when they’re unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.
You need a clean apartment before you can get physical with your girlfriend? Thats very interesting, never heard that from a guy before…
My girlfriend is like that though. She freaks out if the place is dirty, in day to day life. I would say 75% of her bad moods is because the place is not clean.
I dont even see it, but ive learned to pay attention and clean a bit every day so she feels better. So its similar to your story above.
A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.
That’s a form of emotional blackmail. I put up with it in my first marriage. I will never repeat that mistake. Once it starts, it doesn’t stop.
Same, Agreed, find a new apartment.
Yeah, the “throwing a chair” thing completely changed my opinion on this. That’s severe enough of a red flag that it makes the cleaning stuff too trivial to be relevant in this context. If it was just the cleaning and emotional labour stuff, then maybe it might be workable, maybe not — many couples who end up being in a productive equilibrium wrt expectations and chores get there via persevering and finding a way that works for them in the early stages of cohabiting as a couple (and many couples don’t manage to make it work and stop being a couple, which is a good thing if people have been unable to make it work)
Run, dude.
You’re her security blanket, so why should she clean? She knows you’ll do it. You also need to stop expecting her to read your mind. And, don’t wish you were her, she’s likely much worse off mentally than you think. As for leaving her, you’re in a pickle as she will become a bigger problem the more you try to leave. You definitely need to share your concerns with her, and there will likely never be a right time to do it, but you’ve gotta do it.
She needs therapy to work on her emotional intelligence. That can’t be you acting as therapist, it needs to be professional.
What you need to do is set ground rules. You’re in charge of your own life, no one else is. If you think her throwing a chair is dangerous to you, then you need to go seek safety.
You are not in charge of her. You are not in charge of her emotions. You are only in charge of you and your own actions, and how you react to external stimuli. You have to take care of yourself. It sounds selfish, it does, but often times we are perceiving our own distorted reality; and our responses, while they may help alleviate our pain in the short term, are not actually resolving anything.
That’s what 1.5 years of therapy has taught me. I’m on the other side of a 10 year long toxic relationship and finally feeling like I actually have some sense of self and now know what I want in life. I wish you the same, without the emotional baggage.
As time goes by, it will be harder and harder to realize you are a hostage, but you will keep dying inside.
Unless, you refuse to avoid these issues and tackle them head on, understanding that she is responsible for her own behavior and not sacrificing your happiness just because her responses may be insane.
She’s using her emotional problems as a way to manipulate you and avoid responsibility. Is that something you want more of in the future? You are an ideal victim for this type of emotional abuse, and she’s unlikely to change without professional help. Are you staying with her because you care about her, or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you leave?
I’ve been in a relationship where the threat of self harm was used as a tactic to control my actions. They would threaten to do terrible things to themselves, and often follow through, at various provocations that they accused me of. They might be the ones being hurt but it is absolutely a tactic to manipulate and take power in the relationship. It might not be something they’re entirely conscious of, and might even be an attempt to protect or defend themselves in a convoluted way, but in any case it’s a blaring red flag and a sign this person needs therapy. It’s up to you if you think this person might be able to work this through or is interested in healing and self improvement.
One thing you should know though, is that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. You are responsible for yours, and leaving, distancing yourself or cutting contact would be reasonable, rational, and possibly necessary reactions in this situation. What they do in response to that is completely in their control and not your fault.
If she threatens self harm when you leave call the police or social services and report the threat for them to handle.
Or have one of her trusted friends or family members on standby when you do it. Someone who will show up right after and they can support her through an initial reaction. If there are no trusted friends, that’s another warning flag!
She needs therapy and you need to find a different partner.
From your description, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do that can make the situation work. Seriously, this bit alone shows how fucked up the relationship is
I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.
I’m terrified that I will push her to hurt herself
My suggestion: let her and don’t care. Yes, it’s cold, but it’s the only thing you can do. You can also make it worse by daring her to go ahead whenever she starts to threaten such. Be sure to catch it on camera, lest she accuses you of being responsible for it.
I am currently tackling the result of over 10 years of my partner doing similarly. It’s absolute hell and the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed to tolerate their abuse had made me into someone I no longer like.
If I could go back in time, I’d do one of two things:
Present a clear and detailed list of your non-negotiable relationship needs, including topics like conflict resolution, personal accountability, and healthy communication. The needs are non-negotiable but you can and should work together to determine how they are met.
If that needs list and proposal to collaborate are not completely and enthusiastically accepted, run. Run far and fast. This person does not care for your needs and feelings, so it WILL get worse.
Run. I am sympathetic to the whole sensitivity to criticism thing, and I even deeply experience it. But a big part of why my marriage works is that I found ways to be able to accept criticism early on in the relationship. I’ll also say I’ve been pressured into things I don’t want by a woman I was afraid would hurt herself if I said no. It turns out it’s a pattern for her and it fucked me up mentally. What you’ve described is a relationship you don’t want to be in with someone who isn’t in a good place to be in a relationship at the moment.
Our therapist recommended boardroom meetings, which means we have a set period of time during the week to talk about the relationship itself: what’s working well, what isn’t, what needs to be said, or coordination for the week ahead. I used to feel like there was never a good time to talk about longer term or pervasive issues, but the boardroom creates the set & setting to do that.
Both partners focus on their own experiences and work towards not attributing blame to one another. Instead of you vs me, it’s we vs the problem.
It also acts as an anxiety escape hatch when you’re out in public. Maybe now isn’t a great time to talk about something, but talking about it at boardroom or having the expectation of it eases my anxiety. There will be a time & place eventually.
It sounds kinda funny, but it’s been really beneficial for us. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 12, with 3 kids. It’s not a ton of overhead to meet with each other once a week & be present for the relationship as the focus.
A lack of self-harm should be celebrated, not used as a bargaining chip or as a reminder that things could go worse if not for their self-control. Saying that in this context is an emotionally manipulative way to imply “If I do self-harm after our next argument, it’ll be your fault because you drove me to do it”.
All that pales in comparison to her throwing chairs. That’s not an acceptable way to demonstrate you’re angry or unhappy. This person seems to have some issues with emotional regulation, and you’re on the receiving end of that. It sounds like this person would benefit from therapy and maybe even anger management classes.
If you’re dead set on continuing this relationship, you’ll probably want to get into couples therapy with a licensed marriage & family therapist so you can both work through your respective issues. If not couples, then go to one yourself so you can talk out your feelings with someone and get an outsiders perspective. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will be a partner in your life and who will treat you with love and respect.
If you want to leave her, I think that’s what you should do. Her actions as a result of your boundaries are not your responsibility. She has her needs, and you have yours. You are not her therapist. You can still say this in a respectful manner, doing your part. How she reacts is her part.
My “ex”, that is someone I told from the start I’m not sure about this, which she said she was okay with, but then started calling it a relationship, also used self-harm and a bunch of manipulative stuff. She also had heavy BPD, which helped me understand some of her actions better. I don’t blame her for the manipulation and everything, but I simply have my boundaries too. So when I broke things off as respectfully and considerately as possible, she went on a self-destructive binge for a couple of weeks. We became friends for a while afterwards. And she told me how much the “break-up” had hurt her, and asked me if I’d feel guilty had she killed herself. I would feel absolutely terrible. But I’d know it wouldn’t have been my fault. Which she agreed with. I mean, for me at least, what’s the alternative? Both of us living a vapid relationship that has no roots, out of fear?
