Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it’s always a horrible time to do so.
A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she’d clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn’t, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn’t start with “hey, you keep saying you’ll clean but you don’t”.
A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn’t get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said “isn’t that bette” and she said “well, I don’t feel really any different but I’ll do this for you”.
A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.
At this point I’m feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I’m terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn’t want to be blind sided. I’m unsure how to show her I’m unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.
She’s the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn’t understand people who can’t just tell people when they’re unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.
Our therapist recommended boardroom meetings, which means we have a set period of time during the week to talk about the relationship itself: what’s working well, what isn’t, what needs to be said, or coordination for the week ahead. I used to feel like there was never a good time to talk about longer term or pervasive issues, but the boardroom creates the set & setting to do that.
Both partners focus on their own experiences and work towards not attributing blame to one another. Instead of you vs me, it’s we vs the problem.
It also acts as an anxiety escape hatch when you’re out in public. Maybe now isn’t a great time to talk about something, but talking about it at boardroom or having the expectation of it eases my anxiety. There will be a time & place eventually.
It sounds kinda funny, but it’s been really beneficial for us. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 12, with 3 kids. It’s not a ton of overhead to meet with each other once a week & be present for the relationship as the focus.