We all know that won’t work. Try this instead.
“Are you ovulating? I have cheese if you are.”
Yes, that one there officer. He tried to put a Kraft Single in my bra.
no wonder it didn’t work, that’s not even cheese
Nilered did a video on this, it’s technically at least cheese-adjacent
i mean, so is grass
It’s cheese, with stuff added to it. The stuff being more milk and some shit to keep it solid at room temperature as well as shelf-stability. It’s essentially a solidified cheese sauce. You can even make it at home.
But why would you?
Road trip nachos. The cheese only melts when you get into Death Valley.
He failed though. Arrest him, and bring me someone taller.
Edit: or better at jump shots.
To be fair, cheese works on most people, whether or not they’re ovulating.
The cheese is under my foreskin
That’s kind of an insane gift for a first date given how expensive cheese is.
I mean, if he makes it himself or knows the people who do, he probably gets it a lot cheaper than at the store.
Would marry that farmer. No questions asked, no long engagement. Straight to the court house, we’re getting hitched.
True love right there
Bro, plastic cheese…
Bro, that’s cheese coated in wax.
It blows my mind that someone cool, intelligent, and attractive enough to read Vonnegut doesn’t know such a basic cheese fact.
👉👈
i mean it does also seem to be wrapped in plastic
Fun fact, the digestion of milk/cheese creates casomorphins from caesin, one of the most prominent peptides in milk. Casomorphins can activate opioid receptors. Giving a woman a slice of cheese might work in your benefit if she eats the cheese.
I read that as “a slice of milk” and like. Technically yeah it’s not wrong
Wait, all opiods? If so does that man that heroin addicts could have a few slices of cheese and use less smack? Gotta have the healthier option, ya know
A heroin addict is taking way more opioids than he would make endogenously from eating a piece of cheese. Cheese contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood regulation. It also contains tyrosine, which is a precursor to dopamine, another neurotransmitter involved in pleasure and reward. Additionally, cheese is high in fat, which can stimulate the release of endorphins, hormones that have mood-boosting effects. Cheese contains many ingredients that activates at least 3 signaling pathways involved in boosting mood.
Yeah but this one unironically works for a lot of women.
Works for a lot of men too. I mean not me. I prefer mozzarella.
Idk, this piece of advice legitimately works on my wife.
That shoe one just reminded me that when we bought our house and had to start renovations on it, the attic had lots of women’s shoes. Just one shoe from a pair and all different shoes. I have so many questions for the previous owner, but unfortunately they are no longer with us.
If they were all the same size, perhaps amputee?
Or maybe a really specific fetish.
Maybe both.
Quite possibly a question best left unanswered, at least until you no longer live there
Maybe they robbed a shoe store. On displays they frequently leave one shoe from a pair so that stealing them just nets you a pile of left shoes lol
My ex gf and i used to steal each other fancy cheeses. It was the most intense love i have ever felt.
My mom and I used to steal fancy cheese for each other. God I miss that woman like you can’t believe. 10/10 mom and person.
This made me cry.
Ha. She’s one worth crying over. Lost her in April, and I don’t know that I’ll recover. Hug your loved ones. ♥️
But I will tell you, she taught me how to steal fantastic cheeses, and we never went hungry again. Haha.
How do you steal each other fancy cheeses? Or steal fancy cheese from each other?
So, you steal a fancy cheese, right? Then you give it to your girlfriend. Then maybe she steals a fancy cheese that reminds her of you and passes it off. Now youve stolen each other fancy cheeses.
From where though? The fancy cheese store? Does every town have one of these for purposes of romantic theft?
It’s called a fromagerie, pleb
Wherever.
I like the idea that these are all steps to one process. Like, you gotta steal her shoe and some hair and pins, and the best distraction is with cheese.
Fascinating
🖖
also: username checks out
I keep stealing shoes, and filling it with rue, but all it’s given me are shouting matches
I tried this with my fiance with a dairy allergy and now I’m single again.
Bitches love cheddar
The stinkier the cheese, the more the fascination!
Written by Coolguy Sexhaver.
That sounds like Strong Bad’s alter ego.
The Cheat is vacuuming.
The Cheat is ovulating.
No relation.
In the unlikely event that she reacts poorly she might be on her period. You should ask her to make sure though.
And if the woman happens to overreact to the period question, just politely tell her to calm down.
If she doesn’t, tell her she’s acting crazy.
Bonus points if you instead say she is being hysterical.
Some females respond better to positive reinforcement. Ask her to give you a little spin/twirl to break the tension and get her moving.
I saw the reply in my inbox and had a reaction to “females” there, like “ugh, not one of THESE folks who still talk like that.” Because I didn’t remember the nature of this thread until I got back into the comments :)
… not forgetting to add a term of endearement, such as “sweetie”, “honey” or “babe”.
I think “toots” has been overlooked in this comment
Yeah i always take stock and usually calm down when a guy im arguing with points that out.
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman sexually
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman financially
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman bureaucratically
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman maliciously
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman abstractly
bureaucratically
Please complete forn 69-J (in triplicate) if you’d like to grab dinner.
Sex has to be announced 2 weeks prior using the relevant form.
69-J?
Did you fill out and submit duplicates of your Unsubtle Innuendo Requisition Request Form?
You definitely need to get Permit A 38 first.
You know what, I think I’ll file my taxes instead.
Oh. Can I see the abstractly list?
Sounds fun
I was also curious about the abstractly. Release the list.
I found this one.
1. Assume interesting shapes
Hard to understand geometry can inspire curiosity. Intrigue her by adding more complexity to your configuration!
2. Playfully interact with her as different people
Hate to break it to you, guys, but not having a personality isn’t going to impress anyone. What will impress a lot of people is having 7, 8 or 9 different personalities that come and go as the mood changes.
3. Get close!
Close bonds often reflect a close geography, so try to be in the same room she’s in as much as possible. If she wanders into the kitchen for a soda, wander in yourself to wash your hands. If she’s talking to a friend in the hallway, talk to a different friend in the same hallway.
4. Be funny
Comedy can be extrapolated from this base formula:
P = ¬P
Such an expression being true would require the dissolution of all fundamental axioms of logic and reason, and is therefore funny. Try explaining this to her.
5. Be mysterious
Nothing is more sexy than a masked man of mystery. Show her how mysterious you are by playing ominous sounds while describing a job you don’t know you have, and people you don’t remember speaking to!
6. Be
The best way to make yourself available to a woman is to have an existential presence in our natural world.
7. Share the things you have in common
Impress her by ovulating with her!
8. Don’t be afraid to be saucy
Demonstrate your wild side by flopping about or rubbing against nearby objects and furniture.
But don’t get carried away. Being too floppy can be off-putting. Try to match her level of floppiness.
9. Gifts make the heart grow fonder
Gifts are a great way to establish a connection and to show how much you care. Try giving her the gift of self-love, or the depth of pure sadness. You could also teach her to be less co-dependent!
10. Try MDMA!
Ecstacy looks really weird in movies. This could be a great way to experience something new together!
You probably saved the whole date/relationship right at the end there.
I want to know how to maliciously flirt. Hey sexy, want to come to my place and stick your fingers in the power outlet?
Negging, maybe?
“Damn, you vacuum so well… for an ovulating female.”
That kind of thing.
release the abstractly files
Tell her “three yellow squares in a row, and beneath them a big purple circle.” Next thing you know, you’re being passionately shagged.
Shagged or stabbed?
For some, there’s little difference.
That doesn’t sound right but I don’t know anything about women to dispute it.
This has to be satire.
There’s no way that last sentence especially isn’t satire
I thought so too until I went to the website and I still couldn’t tell :/
There’s lots of really fucking stupid people out there so who knows.
It’s not. It’s from 2008 and the site is still posting weird shit now.
Here’s an archive of this particular tip, the others are cringe too. So are the comments
Edit: there was a dating tips newsletter too
It’s not. This has worked on me four times.
I am once again asking lemmy users to check what community they’re in before commenting
I understand the user is using this as a shitpost but that doesn’t mean the original content was for sure satire. It could also just be written by an idiot. Shitposts and idiot generated content are not mutually exclusive.
You can’t really expect consciousness from straight cis men.
A bit of sexism, wouldn’t be funny otherwise, right?
Yeah thats absolutely what that is. You’re so good at reading.
deleted by creator
It’s typo progressive for him. He’s the “your wife shouldn’t get wet” type.
Edit: autocorrect fail in the worst/best way there
Dont get her wet, don’t feed her after midnight. Hes very strict about rules for his wife.
Sounds condescending. Why not just compliment her ovipositor?
Madam, my compliments to your ovaries 🎩💪🏼🥚🙇
My dear, your claoca looks especially receptive this fine evening.
Why, thank you, I’ve just been to the remora. And might I say what a stable dorsal fin you have.
Pretty sure that’s my first gag-upvote. Thanks, I guess.
Community Note: This is actually bad advice that will get you stabbed
You’re right, and I find it hilarious that this needs to be noted.
Can confirm, was stabbed.
Oh yeah. Zero chance of back fire. Zero. Had sex all my life - once with a women. Trust me.
once with a women. Trust me.
Stop bragging
This is like when you teach someone that a swear is a greeting in a foreign language
🖕 peace among worlds!
The sad thing is that some people will take this advice.
What’s sad about learning something new and getting laid?
Please fertilise my egg, I just vacuumed.
Certainly, m’lady!
I sincerely hope you’re /s ing.
Lol. I hoped that would be obvious.
Hi. Welcome to the Internet.
Have a look around 🎶
Kids these days don’t remember the internet before /s, where you had to use context to tell of someone was being sarcastic or not.
And some woman will have a good laugh and a narrow escape
Yes, please do that. So we are immediately aware that we should get away as fast as possible.
TIL I ovulate every Sunday 😂😅
Where the fuck do you keep all the eggs? Do you have a walk in fridge?
In europe we store our eggs unrefrigerated
The chicken ones, sure, but are all your climates mild enough that they hatch like that?
Congrats! 🎉🎉🌻
Every day here and I don’t even have ovaries!
Possibly like “false pregnancy” in dogs?
I’m in heat thanks to climate change.
Rings true to me. My wife never vacuums and is past menopause.
