- We all know that won’t work. Try this instead.  - “Are you ovulating? I have cheese if you are.” - Yes, that one there officer. He tried to put a Kraft Single in my bra. - no wonder it didn’t work, that’s not even cheese - Nilered did a video on this, it’s technically at least cheese-adjacent - i mean, so is grass 
- It’s cheese, with stuff added to it. The stuff being more milk and some shit to keep it solid at room temperature as well as shelf-stability. It’s essentially a solidified cheese sauce. You can even make it at home. - But why would you? - Road trip nachos. The cheese only melts when you get into Death Valley. 
 
 
 
 
- He failed though. Arrest him, and bring me someone taller. - Edit: or better at jump shots. 
 
- To be fair, cheese works on most people, whether or not they’re ovulating. 
- The cheese is under my foreskin 
 
 - That’s kind of an insane gift for a first date given how expensive cheese is. - I mean, if he makes it himself or knows the people who do, he probably gets it a lot cheaper than at the store. 
 
- Would marry that farmer. No questions asked, no long engagement. Straight to the court house, we’re getting hitched. 
- True love right there 
- Bro, plastic cheese… - Bro, that’s cheese coated in wax. - It blows my mind that someone cool, intelligent, and attractive enough to read Vonnegut doesn’t know such a basic cheese fact. - 👉👈 
 
- i mean it does also seem to be wrapped in plastic 
 
 
 
- Fun fact, the digestion of milk/cheese creates casomorphins from caesin, one of the most prominent peptides in milk. Casomorphins can activate opioid receptors. Giving a woman a slice of cheese might work in your benefit if she eats the cheese. - I read that as “a slice of milk” and like. Technically yeah it’s not wrong 
- Wait, all opiods? If so does that man that heroin addicts could have a few slices of cheese and use less smack? Gotta have the healthier option, ya know - A heroin addict is taking way more opioids than he would make endogenously from eating a piece of cheese. Cheese contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood regulation. It also contains tyrosine, which is a precursor to dopamine, another neurotransmitter involved in pleasure and reward. Additionally, cheese is high in fat, which can stimulate the release of endorphins, hormones that have mood-boosting effects. Cheese contains many ingredients that activates at least 3 signaling pathways involved in boosting mood. 
 
 
- Yeah but this one unironically works for a lot of women. - Works for a lot of men too. I mean not me. I prefer mozzarella. 
 
- Idk, this piece of advice legitimately works on my wife. 
- That shoe one just reminded me that when we bought our house and had to start renovations on it, the attic had lots of women’s shoes. Just one shoe from a pair and all different shoes. I have so many questions for the previous owner, but unfortunately they are no longer with us. - If they were all the same size, perhaps amputee? - Or maybe a really specific fetish. - Maybe both. - Quite possibly a question best left unanswered, at least until you no longer live there 
- Maybe they robbed a shoe store. On displays they frequently leave one shoe from a pair so that stealing them just nets you a pile of left shoes lol 
 
- My ex gf and i used to steal each other fancy cheeses. It was the most intense love i have ever felt. - My mom and I used to steal fancy cheese for each other. God I miss that woman like you can’t believe. 10/10 mom and person. - This made me cry. - Ha. She’s one worth crying over. Lost her in April, and I don’t know that I’ll recover. Hug your loved ones. ♥️ - But I will tell you, she taught me how to steal fantastic cheeses, and we never went hungry again. Haha. 
 
 
- How do you steal each other fancy cheeses? Or steal fancy cheese from each other? - So, you steal a fancy cheese, right? Then you give it to your girlfriend. Then maybe she steals a fancy cheese that reminds her of you and passes it off. Now youve stolen each other fancy cheeses. - From where though? The fancy cheese store? Does every town have one of these for purposes of romantic theft? - It’s called a fromagerie, pleb 
- Wherever. 
 
 
 
 
- I like the idea that these are all steps to one process. Like, you gotta steal her shoe and some hair and pins, and the best distraction is with cheese. 
- Fascinating - 🖖 - also: username checks out 
 
- I keep stealing shoes, and filling it with rue, but all it’s given me are shouting matches 
- I tried this with my fiance with a dairy allergy and now I’m single again. 
- Bitches love cheddar 
- The stinkier the cheese, the more the fascination! 
 
- Written by Coolguy Sexhaver. - That sounds like Strong Bad’s alter ego. - The Cheat is vacuuming. - The Cheat is ovulating. 
 
 
- No relation. 
 
- In the unlikely event that she reacts poorly she might be on her period. You should ask her to make sure though. - And if the woman happens to overreact to the period question, just politely tell her to calm down. - If she doesn’t, tell her she’s acting crazy. - Bonus points if you instead say she is being hysterical. - Some females respond better to positive reinforcement. Ask her to give you a little spin/twirl to break the tension and get her moving. - I saw the reply in my inbox and had a reaction to “females” there, like “ugh, not one of THESE folks who still talk like that.” Because I didn’t remember the nature of this thread until I got back into the comments :) 
 
 
 
- … not forgetting to add a term of endearement, such as “sweetie”, “honey” or “babe”. - I think “toots” has been overlooked in this comment 
 
 
- Yeah i always take stock and usually calm down when a guy im arguing with points that out. 
 
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman sexually
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman financially
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman bureaucratically
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman maliciously
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman abstractly
 - bureaucratically - Please complete forn 69-J (in triplicate) if you’d like to grab dinner. - Sex has to be announced 2 weeks prior using the relevant form. 
- 69-J? - Did you fill out and submit duplicates of your Unsubtle Innuendo Requisition Request Form? - You definitely need to get Permit A 38 first. - You know what, I think I’ll file my taxes instead. 
 
 
 
- Oh. Can I see the abstractly list? - Sounds fun - I was also curious about the abstractly. Release the list. - I found this one. - 1. Assume interesting shapes- Hard to understand geometry can inspire curiosity. Intrigue her by adding more complexity to your configuration! - 2. Playfully interact with her as different people- Hate to break it to you, guys, but not having a personality isn’t going to impress anyone. What will impress a lot of people is having 7, 8 or 9 different personalities that come and go as the mood changes. - 3. Get close!- Close bonds often reflect a close geography, so try to be in the same room she’s in as much as possible. If she wanders into the kitchen for a soda, wander in yourself to wash your hands. If she’s talking to a friend in the hallway, talk to a different friend in the same hallway. - 4. Be funny- Comedy can be extrapolated from this base formula: - P = ¬P - Such an expression being true would require the dissolution of all fundamental axioms of logic and reason, and is therefore funny. Try explaining this to her. - 5. Be mysterious- Nothing is more sexy than a masked man of mystery. Show her how mysterious you are by playing ominous sounds while describing a job you don’t know you have, and people you don’t remember speaking to! - 6. Be- The best way to make yourself available to a woman is to have an existential presence in our natural world. - 7. Share the things you have in common- Impress her by ovulating with her! - 8. Don’t be afraid to be saucy- Demonstrate your wild side by flopping about or rubbing against nearby objects and furniture. - But don’t get carried away. Being too floppy can be off-putting. Try to match her level of floppiness. - 9. Gifts make the heart grow fonder- Gifts are a great way to establish a connection and to show how much you care. Try giving her the gift of self-love, or the depth of pure sadness. You could also teach her to be less co-dependent! - 10. Try MDMA!- Ecstacy looks really weird in movies. This could be a great way to experience something new together! - You probably saved the whole date/relationship right at the end there. 
 
- I want to know how to maliciously flirt. Hey sexy, want to come to my place and stick your fingers in the power outlet? - Negging, maybe? - “Damn, you vacuum so well… for an ovulating female.” - That kind of thing. 
 
- release the abstractly files 
 
- Tell her “three yellow squares in a row, and beneath them a big purple circle.” Next thing you know, you’re being passionately shagged. - Shagged or stabbed? - For some, there’s little difference. 
 
 
 
 
- That doesn’t sound right but I don’t know anything about women to dispute it. 
- This has to be satire. - There’s no way that last sentence especially isn’t satire 
- I thought so too until I went to the website and I still couldn’t tell :/ - There’s lots of really fucking stupid people out there so who knows. 
 
- It’s not. It’s from 2008 and the site is still posting weird shit now. - Here’s an archive of this particular tip, the others are cringe too. So are the comments - Edit: there was a dating tips newsletter too 
- It’s not. This has worked on me four times. 
- I am once again asking lemmy users to check what community they’re in before commenting - I understand the user is using this as a shitpost but that doesn’t mean the original content was for sure satire. It could also just be written by an idiot. Shitposts and idiot generated content are not mutually exclusive. 
- You can’t really expect consciousness from straight cis men. - A bit of sexism, wouldn’t be funny otherwise, right? - Yeah thats absolutely what that is. You’re so good at reading. 
 
 
 
 
- deleted by creator - It’s typo progressive for him. He’s the “your wife shouldn’t get wet” type. - Edit: autocorrect fail in the worst/best way there - Dont get her wet, don’t feed her after midnight. Hes very strict about rules for his wife. 
 
 
- Sounds condescending. Why not just compliment her ovipositor? - Madam, my compliments to your ovaries 🎩💪🏼🥚🙇 
- My dear, your claoca looks especially receptive this fine evening. - Why, thank you, I’ve just been to the remora. And might I say what a stable dorsal fin you have. 
- Pretty sure that’s my first gag-upvote. Thanks, I guess. 
 
 
- Community Note: This is actually bad advice that will get you stabbed - You’re right, and I find it hilarious that this needs to be noted. 
- Can confirm, was stabbed. 
 
- Oh yeah. Zero chance of back fire. Zero. Had sex all my life - once with a women. Trust me. - once with a women. Trust me. - Stop bragging 
 
- This is like when you teach someone that a swear is a greeting in a foreign language - 🖕 peace among worlds! 
 
- The sad thing is that some people will take this advice. - What’s sad about learning something new and getting laid? - Please fertilise my egg, I just vacuumed. - Certainly, m’lady! 
 
- I sincerely hope you’re /s ing. - Lol. I hoped that would be obvious. - Hi. Welcome to the Internet. - Have a look around 🎶 
 
- Kids these days don’t remember the internet before /s, where you had to use context to tell of someone was being sarcastic or not. 
 
 
 
- And some woman will have a good laugh and a narrow escape 
 
- Yes, please do that. So we are immediately aware that we should get away as fast as possible. 
- TIL I ovulate every Sunday 😂😅 - Where the fuck do you keep all the eggs? Do you have a walk in fridge? - In europe we store our eggs unrefrigerated - The chicken ones, sure, but are all your climates mild enough that they hatch like that? 
 
 
- Congrats! 🎉🎉🌻 
- Every day here and I don’t even have ovaries! - Possibly like “false pregnancy” in dogs? - I’m in heat thanks to climate change. 
 
 
 
- Rings true to me. My wife never vacuums and is past menopause. 






















