My ‘game’ issue is I kind of break down when I speak to a girl I am interested in.
I get so nervous and overthink that I stop functioning. I run out of things to say and the conversation just doesn’t flow.
I put way too much pressure on myself and it is extremely difficult to break out of it.
But if I speak to girls I am not interested in, then I am more myself. No pressure, not trying hard.
Stop talking to women as if you’re trying to get into their underwear. Speak to them like someone you want to be friends with and if there’s interest both ways something might happen and it might not happen and that’s OK because you made a friend.
I never said I was trying to get into their underwear or pick them up or take them home.
It is not my goal, it is not my aim. I have never had a one night stand.
It’s usually girls I know through other people, friends of friends that I have been around and developed some interest in. I often feel that I only have a small window or a single chance to make a good impression otherwise someone else may catch their attention.
I was young, I was stupid and placed so much pressure on myself and end never ended well.
I’m a lot more calm and comfortable now, but I don’t head to pubs or bars to meet people. Not my thing.
Any interest I have now is the time I spend chatting to a match on a dating app and then meeting up in person.
I really like meeting that person where the conversation just flows naturally, you look at the time and it’s been hours since you first met and didn’t even notice it.
No I’m not, I’m talking to them like they’re so anxious because they’re trying to get laid rather than trying to get to know someone.
As a former young man I have also been exactly where the commenter has been and when I stopped looking at women as something to conquer rather than a human being, things started happening for me.
My friend was like that. He had a lot of friends who were girls, and the way that he handled that was by putting us all in the “friend” box (he was bi, so he did the same for guys, but given that most guys are straight, that wasn’t as necessary). It was a great method until he ended up hooking up with his best friend — it was a surprise to no-one but him. He walked around looking shellshocked for a week.
This is the best strat. Forget the sex/relationship, be friends. Everyone has an easier time being themselves when making friends. Being yourself is authentic and generally attractive, that’s why your friends stick around. Then if you still think they’re cool, be flirty friends, transition quick though, so you don’t give the impression you’re not interested. Then if that works out you’re already 80% of the way there, you’re socializing and flirting and not being awkward.
If you don’t have friends, make friends first. Even if you somehow manage to find a partner when you have no friends, you’ll destroy the relationship because you’ll expect the partner to provide 100% of your socializing and interpersonal needs, which isn’t really plausible.
tl;dw - Tommy Boy is trying to sell auto parts to save his family’s business. He gets all stressed out in sales meetings but is able to talk a surly waitress into getting him some chicken wings because the chicken wings don’t matter.
So the next time you’re talking to a cute lady just remember: Chicken wings.
Most people wait to speak. A good listener is someone that asks the right question and therefore is assumed to be tuned into the conversation. Ask the right questions, get them talking and you become both a good listener and the strong silent type. There’s no reason or reward for you driving the conversation.
This is what I do. I did it with my wife. I asked some questions and then just listened. She basically told me her entire life story. I interjected with supportive comments from time to time, and listened. Then we got married
Unfortunately this sounds like I was trying to manipulate my wife or whatever. Nothing could be further from the truth. I admire her tremendously and she has helped me a great deal. She’s amazing. It’s worth listening to people, that’s all I was trying to say
How can you know you’re not interested without having a conversation? Try shifting your focus to having a pleasant conversation, even if that leads to nothing. Not that that is easy all the time but if you’re chatting on a dating app or something it should be doable since it’s not exactly real time. If it’s in real life just own up to it by saying you’re nervous.
I get so nervous and overthink that I stop functioning
Otherwise known as being a human. Some people more socially anxious than others, but having social interactions helps a lot. Just don’t try to have social interactions for a goal, so to speak. Talk to people about stuff you all interested in, and you will be surprised how quickly the awkwardness melts.
So, I can’t really explain how to do this, but for me the way I overcame that was talking myself into not being interested in them first so I could manage a conversation and get to know them more and from there whatever happens, happens. Obviously you don’t do this long term because you end up with that friendzone/girlfriendzone situation that makes people feel used but if you’re just getting to know someone initially I think it’s fine. It’s also allowed me to filter some out when I learned more about their personality and realized I didn’t like them as much as I thought I did or they made it clear they weren’t into me like that.
My ‘game’ issue is I kind of break down when I speak to a girl I am interested in.
I get so nervous and overthink that I stop functioning. I run out of things to say and the conversation just doesn’t flow. I put way too much pressure on myself and it is extremely difficult to break out of it.
But if I speak to girls I am not interested in, then I am more myself. No pressure, not trying hard.
Stop talking to women as if you’re trying to get into their underwear. Speak to them like someone you want to be friends with and if there’s interest both ways something might happen and it might not happen and that’s OK because you made a friend.
I never said I was trying to get into their underwear or pick them up or take them home.
It is not my goal, it is not my aim. I have never had a one night stand.
It’s usually girls I know through other people, friends of friends that I have been around and developed some interest in. I often feel that I only have a small window or a single chance to make a good impression otherwise someone else may catch their attention.
I was young, I was stupid and placed so much pressure on myself and end never ended well.
I’m a lot more calm and comfortable now, but I don’t head to pubs or bars to meet people. Not my thing.
Any interest I have now is the time I spend chatting to a match on a dating app and then meeting up in person.
I really like meeting that person where the conversation just flows naturally, you look at the time and it’s been hours since you first met and didn’t even notice it.
Dude has anxiety and you’re talking to him like he’s purposefully being a jerk. Not cool.
No I’m not, I’m talking to them like they’re so anxious because they’re trying to get laid rather than trying to get to know someone.
As a former young man I have also been exactly where the commenter has been and when I stopped looking at women as something to conquer rather than a human being, things started happening for me.
So you’re making an assumption about him AND ignoring the anxiety issue. That’s totally cool, then. Everyone is just like you, ya know. Everyone.
But what if I am just trying to get in their underwear???
Hormone driven anxiety. You don’t actually like those women. You haven’t spoken to them so you don’t know if you like them. You horny them.
Jerk off before you leave the house. It’ll help.
My friend was like that. He had a lot of friends who were girls, and the way that he handled that was by putting us all in the “friend” box (he was bi, so he did the same for guys, but given that most guys are straight, that wasn’t as necessary). It was a great method until he ended up hooking up with his best friend — it was a surprise to no-one but him. He walked around looking shellshocked for a week.
This is the best strat. Forget the sex/relationship, be friends. Everyone has an easier time being themselves when making friends. Being yourself is authentic and generally attractive, that’s why your friends stick around. Then if you still think they’re cool, be flirty friends, transition quick though, so you don’t give the impression you’re not interested. Then if that works out you’re already 80% of the way there, you’re socializing and flirting and not being awkward.
If you don’t have friends, make friends first. Even if you somehow manage to find a partner when you have no friends, you’ll destroy the relationship because you’ll expect the partner to provide 100% of your socializing and interpersonal needs, which isn’t really plausible.
This reminds me of this scene from Tommy Boy
tl;dw - Tommy Boy is trying to sell auto parts to save his family’s business. He gets all stressed out in sales meetings but is able to talk a surly waitress into getting him some chicken wings because the chicken wings don’t matter.
So the next time you’re talking to a cute lady just remember: Chicken wings.
Most people wait to speak. A good listener is someone that asks the right question and therefore is assumed to be tuned into the conversation. Ask the right questions, get them talking and you become both a good listener and the strong silent type. There’s no reason or reward for you driving the conversation.
This is what I do. I did it with my wife. I asked some questions and then just listened. She basically told me her entire life story. I interjected with supportive comments from time to time, and listened. Then we got married
Unfortunately this sounds like I was trying to manipulate my wife or whatever. Nothing could be further from the truth. I admire her tremendously and she has helped me a great deal. She’s amazing. It’s worth listening to people, that’s all I was trying to say
How can you know you’re not interested without having a conversation? Try shifting your focus to having a pleasant conversation, even if that leads to nothing. Not that that is easy all the time but if you’re chatting on a dating app or something it should be doable since it’s not exactly real time. If it’s in real life just own up to it by saying you’re nervous.
Otherwise known as being a human. Some people more socially anxious than others, but having social interactions helps a lot. Just don’t try to have social interactions for a goal, so to speak. Talk to people about stuff you all interested in, and you will be surprised how quickly the awkwardness melts.
So, I can’t really explain how to do this, but for me the way I overcame that was talking myself into not being interested in them first so I could manage a conversation and get to know them more and from there whatever happens, happens. Obviously you don’t do this long term because you end up with that friendzone/girlfriendzone situation that makes people feel used but if you’re just getting to know someone initially I think it’s fine. It’s also allowed me to filter some out when I learned more about their personality and realized I didn’t like them as much as I thought I did or they made it clear they weren’t into me like that.