I’m exhausted… I don’t know how to break out of this.

I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I’m not trans.

I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn’t happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can’t keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I’m already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.

I’m just numb, my head is so empty, but I’m sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn’t feel “me”, as if I don’t have what it takes to be “him”, and I don’t feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.

Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.

  • ckytoshi@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    3·
    3 months ago

    Thank you, got it. I think the reason I keep wanting euphoria/dysphoria (even if it hurts) is because I see them as evidence that my feelings and identity still exist, which I’m really scared I’ll lose one day. That’s why when something that made me euphoric/dysphorbic becomes normal, it’s like that evidence is lost, and I feel like I have to protect my identity or else it’s gone. It’ll probably be better if I stop trying to prove and protect everything, but that feels wrong for some reason.