So we are taking estrogen and progesterone now (and have been for a while), but even in the before times when this body primarily ran on T we can’t remember ever having an experience we would call orgasming. We ejaculated many times but we disagree that those two things are the same.
We say this because we have had one experience in our life when we did so, from a vibrator and it felt like the best feeling, we felt like we were glowing inside and wanted to make others feel as good as we de did.
We have been trying to chase or find this feeling again but to no avail. So we wonder, are we just broken? Are we doing something wrong?
Most porn and erotica does nothing for us, since we’re demisexual (and demi in most other ways too: romantic, affectionate, sensual and kinky) and thus need to see characters or people really connecting, consenting etc which most writers and artists do not care about.
Sometimes we get turned on when doing kink with one of our partners but nothing sexual usually comes of that due to them being ace, moreso than us.
We aren’t interested in most people we come across sexually as to form relationships with us takes a long time and a lot of conversation. Most people quite simply are not interested in waiting that long or cannot talk to us that much; it takes so long due to being pretty ace and aro etc until we have formed a very close emotional bond, and to put it frankly having a lot of trauma around relationships of that type which we caused by rushing in too often taught us that doing so is a bad idea.
We think maybe bottom surgery might help but we want to store our reproductive cells first, if they’re still viable which is going to be awful as we’d have to come off of E etc for a while with no guarantee they’d be viable.
But yeah, we were wondering if any others have had similar experiences and if so what they did about it?
Feel free to talk about anything else we have put here, if you’d like.
Edit: Though, ironically, we wonder why we want orgasm so much, we’ve never really found it satsfying, and it doesn’t necessarily stop our horniness or desire even if we do achieve it (given how our body and mind reacted the one time we did). So we aren’t sure what’s going on and at this point and not sure exactly what it is we do seek, we just know we find a lack of orgasm dissapointing, but so too do we most other things sexually etc.
First of all, no - you’re not broken, you’re dysphoric. So many of us feel this way - I felt a lot like you, too. “Orgasms” always felt shallow and unsatisfying, like you I felt they weren’t “real” orgasms.
We think maybe bottom surgery might help
✅
have had similar struggles, can confirm, bottom surgery helps.
In the meantime, you might also experiment with two strategies I found helpful pre-op:
- using a plug-in magic wand and a speed controller to allow fine control of how strong it vibrates, then using panties and other methods (e.g. gaff) to hold the clit in place for stimulating, while visually obscuring it and feminizing it.
NSFW illustrations:
Please excuse my crude drawings 😅
You might have to open the images in a new tab to read the text, sorry.
- read Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin and explore safely and comfortably learning to pleasure yourself with anal penetration. Unlocking prostate orgasms can challenging but extremely rewarding - it is one way to experience more intense and full body orgasms.
I will say, though, anal stimulation still always felt like an overly involved and poor substitute for vaginal penetration - so this really is meant to be an ersatz compromise as you work towards getting a full-depth vaginoplasty (assuming you desire penetration) that will hopefully result in better orgasms.
Personally I also felt it was a lot of work, and was sometimes quite dysphoric. So, experiences will vary - but it’s worth learning. I found my skills with navigating anal penetration crossed over to learning to dilate successfully, esp. learning to relax and control your muscles down there. It’s worth learning to do in advance, I found dilation easy precisely because I had learned to relax enough for pleasurable anal sex. In fact, part of what helped me unlock pleasure from anal was learning to slowly and gradually dilate the anus with gradually larger plugs. You learn to clean, use lube, gain control to relax your pelvic muscles, and you learn to go slow and listen to and develop trust with your body in a sensitive area. These are all great skills to develop pre-op which I found cross-over to the post-op vaginal dilation context, esp. early on when the surgical site has not healed and you have to be careful.
Thanks for the information! We will reply to the rest in we don’t cover here in a bit, but uh. We tend to find ‘panties’ very uncomfy both physically and psychologically, We much prefer wearing boxers that are femme. However, we will still try some of this but with those instead, thanks.
We also don’t have a plug in magic wand, just a battery powered one which can be recharged. It does have a few different vibration settings and intensity settings though.
As for penetration probably but not with genitals, only with strap-ons. Maybe we’ll feel differently after surgery but we mostly prefer, sexually at least, partners with vaginas, so it’s unlikely unless something changes after surgery, we aren’t sure.
It is interesting what you are saying about calling it a clitoris, that is how we think of it now, at least when we are doing stuff with it, otherwise most of the time we just call things genitals.
We will read the book, but really doing stuff to ourselves despite being not pleasurable mostly has always felt boring, we prefer it with partners so we’ll ask and see if they’d like to get involved but we’ll still try it with ourselves, at least once.
We do have some butt plugs, but mostly, unless we are doing kink they just again don’t feel very fun, like the thought or activity alone doesn’t excite us and we aren’t interested in those kind of genitals currently anyway, maybe strap ons though, if our current partners consent.
Thanks for the ideas, advice and reassurance that we aren’t the only ones.
Now we just have to figure out what kind of surgery to get, guess we have to get working on our project for that again!
As for penetration probably but not with genitals, only with strap-ons. Maybe we’ll feel differently after surgery but we mostly prefer, sexually at least, partners with vaginas, so it’s unlikely unless something changes after surgery, we aren’t sure.
Same here, my experiences have all been with toys and fem tops.
It is interesting what you are saying about calling it a clitoris, that is how we think of it now, at least when we are doing stuff with it, otherwise most of the time we just call things genitals.
It’s all the same anatomy, homologous but undergoing divergent pathways - a vaginoplasty just puts the same stuff in the other configuration, as if it developed that way naturally. Many girls report that their post-op experience feels entirely natural, as if it had always been that way. I’m sure that’s related to the homologous nature of the structures and the way surgeons follow that lead.
We will read the book, but really doing stuff to ourselves despite being not pleasurable mostly has always felt boring, we prefer it with partners so we’ll ask and see if they’d like to get involved but we’ll still try it with ourselves, at least once.
Same here, though non-pleasurable orientation might be useful, and developing trust with your own body might work best alone at first - I also find having another person there helps make the context sexual. I think this actually relates to my dysphoria - I have a hard time being embodied sexually, so it’s almost like I only can experience sexual pleasure vicariously through someone else (particularly through a female partner).
It really clicked for me that this was from dysphoria when I read a similar account in Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues.
Now we just have to figure out what kind of surgery to get, guess we have to get working on our project for that again!
Much luck! I just went through this (I’m only a few weeks into recovery), so feel free to ask me any questions you have!
