What if I just walk in and hire myself? It saves you time and effort.

Dear Hiring Manager,

Leveraging my proven track record of synergistic thought leadership and out-of-the-box paradigm shifts, I am absolutely thrilled to proactively circle back and ideate with your best-in-class, forward-thinking organization to disruptively actualize game-changing, mission-critical deliverables at scale.

Now give me the fucking job

Hey, you’ve adopted the mentality of middle management at my job! I have to beat them with sticks until they behave.