On the other hand, your ass has no secrets now. Every fart is an announcement. You took the muffler away.
Water people. Just fucking wash your ass, it’s hygienic and it feels nice too. Use a bidet, or just sit on the fucking bathroom sink (provided it’s installed on the floor, and not the wall). It’s amazing how poor ass hygine is for a nation that keeps going on about “eating ass”.
just sit on the fucking bathroom sink
Well now everyone at work is looking at me funny.
They said “bathroom” not “break room”.
Just flush and use the water from the toilet. After all it is a WC.
…, and it feels nice too.
The nation fears that it might feel nice.
I will get a bidet the day they invent one that sprays soapy water. Washing your ass without soap is like washing your hands without soap.
Washing your ass in the sink is unsanitary. I don’t need shit particles in my sink bowl. I much rather just hop in the shower after a shit and wash my ass with body wash after I’m done wiping. If you have a detachable showerhead, it’s easy to do so without getting your whole body wet.
My bidet is like a pressure washer seriously, it has quite a bit of pressure, enough to make it pretty unpleasant if I crank it up on high.
Yeah, it’s not soap but I’m not using my ass to eat, I’m just trying to get all the shit off of it so I don’t get weird ass-rot and hemorrhoids.
Mine was about $30 on sale and it increased my quality of life in ways that are hard to describe. Shitting at work is a lot worse now, I feel like a barbarian sitting around with a dirty ass all day.
OP didn’t mention the AGONIZING itch you get from the skin rubbing. Make sure to use some powder or some shit. Also it grows back in a week and takes so much time.
Just get a bidet.
Trick is to NOT trim it down to perfect clean shaven. Leave some small tiny little hairs. It won’t itch. Been doing that exact thing myself but I’m not willing to prove it.
YMMV if your crack hair is harder than mine.
sure to use some powder or some shit
For the love of god, if your skin is irritated, do not use shit to try and fix it.
/s
And if you work out, the sweat just makes it all slidey back there ++ungood.
Wait till he finds out what it feels like growing back in
Dude my superpower is that diarrhea comes out as filtered drinking water.
How can I delete someone else’s post?
First person I ever followed here
Nevermind I don’t know how to follow peolle
Nikls: “Stop, you fiend!” Spez: “you’ll never stop me!” Nikls: -unzips, bends over…. Spez: O_O
To any Americans who are bidet curious or even enthusiasts, I’d highly recommend this wand style bidet: https://rinseworks.com/shop/aquaus-360-hand-held-bidet-sprayer-for-toilet/
Personally, I find fancy features, like heat, to be superfluous. Seats or seat-mounted bidets are inevitably a pain in the ass to clean. This wand has a nice long hose. Not only can it clean your ass, but it can also help you to clean your bathroom. It should last a lifetime. And, of course, installation is a breeze not requiring electricity. If you are afraid of the cold, rest assured you will adapt. It will zap you awake.
If you are afraid of the cold
I’m glad you mentioned this is for Americans because here in Canada calling the winter water “cold” is like saying the sun is “hot”. I can handle the cold water on my skin but shooting it directly at my butthole is not happening.
You haven’t lived until you shoot ice water at your brown eye
lmao you better not be poking someone’s ass when you do that, might lose a finger
For the record bidets are pretty great though, but I went ahead and got a heated one because I am not a masochist.
pain in the ass
You’re holding it wrong.
The heated seats are really useful during the winter, though. And warm/hot water can often be better at “rinsing” solid material than cold water. I’ve noticed that it takes longer to feel fully clean with a non-electric bidet than an electric one. It’s like trying to rinse dishes with cold water vs rinsing with scalding hot water. One will get the job done much faster.
It might be overkill, but I’ll keep my overpriced bidet with heated water/seat. Cleaning is not that bad, I just do it the same time I clean the bowl.
Right, it’s not significantly different from just wiping down the seat and/or bidet nozzles even in a non-electric one.
Eh I got a $250 chinese seat model with a heated reservoir, heated seat, basically enema mode, child lock, self-clean, lights the bowl, 3 years now and it’s great. Cleaning really not that big of a deal, especially compared to someone accidentally spraying the handheld all over, kids playing with it, etc
Great suggestion! I also am sold to bidets. I went to look at the link you posted, and they have a hilarious image of a 100k$ bathroom with their 80$ bidet there, just sticking out like a sore thumb XD.
Heh. I’ve used my fair share of fancy bidets. After using this sprayer, I far prefer its flexibility, utility, and power. The all-brass version is very well made, and the explicit ball valve mitigates the risk of damaging leakage. The promo video is pretty good too. While rare these days, sometimes, the less expensive option is in fact better quality and more functional.
I do love how this topic invites such fervid replies.
If you need a bidet to get your ass clean, what the fuck do you do when traveling?
One could also change diet
Travel bidet! Some can attach to water bottles and some have their own little reservoir.
What is this person’s diet like? I mean feces is supposed to be a somewhat solid log, not a splattery mess. I guess Cheetos and Mountain Dew three times a day does that?
You need to drink more water.
I guess I wanted to say fresh poop should have the consistency and texture of new Playdoh straight from the can. If you grab it and bend it slightly, small cracks should appear.
If there’s little moisture then it means your body is trying to get liquid from the stool.
Stool? Good luck making furniture from what I do… this afternoon I thought I gave birth to a jellyfish but when I looked it turned out it was just a bucket of blood.
I mean the worst is usually the one that is mostly solid but something fucked it just a bit and now its like 15% towards veing runny. Just solid enoigh to come out relatively in one piece but also soft enough to spread all over your ass.
Had one like rhat yesterday. Did not have plans to shower that day but alas I went straight from the shitter into the shower.
Just get a damn bidet. Life changing.
Take just it
I don’t know where they keep theirs. I’ll probably need to just get my own.
Check their toilets
Not all poops occur at home.
Travel bidet. I know of two co-workers who bring one to work daily. Think squeeze bottle with a long straw.
Edit: personally I’m not a fan, to be clear, but it’s possible.
I did this once
The feeling of sweaty aka slippery butt cheeks in summer while walking to class and worst of all climbing stairs was too much. And let’s not forget that farts have a to physically separate your cheeks to escape. Too much weird feeling.
Never again
Now I let my butthole grow some hair but keep it trimmed low because I’m not a heathen
Just use some gold bond or other body powder. Problem solved. Thongs also solve the problem and are really quite comfortable once you’re used to them.
I’m pretty sure this is where the term “butt trumpet” came from.
Horror story:
Shaved mine in prep for my first colonoscopy. I know, they see some nasty shit, don’t know why I cared. Took TWO bottles of the lemon flavored ass blaster juice.
Ended up holding my ass cheeks apart and screaming at my ex-wife, “Get the neighbor! GET THE NEIGHBOR!” Said neighbor was a nurse but I was in such agony I couldn’t think of her name.
Halfway down my ass cheeks, and all the way down from there, my flesh looked sandpapered, sunburned. Pain doesn’t make me cry, but my eyes were plenty blurry that night.
And I still had to shit more lemon juice. Try not to think on this story.
What the fuck is “lemon flavored ass blaster juice”??
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium_citrate
In solution with water it tastes somewhere between the worlds worst flattest sprite and a sweet lemon.
Edit: I’d marked Sodium Citrate, which is a similar compound but is used for different reasons. Sodium Citrate is an anti-coagulant. If you’ve ever donated blood plasma, its that weird sterile taste you get in the back of your neck when they feed the blood solids back in with saline. It is also used in nacho cheese.
Why would you drink two bottles of that before a colonoscopy?!
Can’t tell if you’re joking, but you have to. The doctor prescribes it, and it cleans everything out of your system. By the end, you’re just crapping out the lemon drink itself and you’re squeaky clean for the camera
Oh shit, didn’t know that. Luckily I’ve never had a colonoscopy! Thanks for explaining!
I think he’s mistaking it for magnesium citrate. It pulls water into your intestines via osmosis and makes you squirt constantly.
She, and yes you’re correct.
🥵
Your colon is like a road:
Would you rather drive down a smooth, well maintained, Clean road or a muddy mess that’s never seen a cleanup crew?
You don’t technically have to, but I think whoever is driving the colonoscope might refuse to work in those conditions.
It’s not about the driver experience, it’s about the road inspection. If the patient has a pre-cancerous polyp the inspector sees, they will cut it out, problem averted. If the patient has a pre-cancerous polyp obscured by stool, it gets missed and then in a few years turns to cancer. And survival rates for colon cancer are depressingly low.
magnesium citrate is probably what he took
Before a colonoscopy, you typically have to drink something called “prep” to clean out your system. For the better part of a day before the procedure, you drink nothing but this liquid that is meant to clean out your intestines, and it makes you shit your guts out until it’s nothing but the clear liquid. It’s usually lemon or pineapple flavored, and it tastes awful.
What was the neighbor’s reaction?
My life is better knowing i will.never do this to myself.
Thanks - you’ve made the rest of us look better, just by sharing your story
I thought you wanted your neighbour to watch for a moment there
“Oh? That wasn’t what you called me for?”
puts away wine bottle
Buddy anything other then soap around you squishy bits is asking for trouble.
All fun and games until you try and let a sneaky one rip in public
This is why three seashells are superior to TP.
Stop trying to push your BS Dr. Cocteau.
HAH! He doesn’t know what the seashells are for!
That moment when OP doesn’t know about the seashells (sremoveds in Rob Schneider)
Wait 2 days, till it starts growing back.
I tried shaving my asshole but he ran away and never came back.
The comedian Daniel Sloss does a bit on this.
Was he the one who did the whole “like trying to get peanut butter out of carpet” bit?
Yes!
