I can slap people over TCP/IP
Doing so causes your internet service to cut out for several hours.
I’d still use it occasionally.
I’d still use it all the time. Losing internet for a while sucks, but letting someone you’ll never meet express their wrong opinions to equally unimportant strangers on a fake place for fake internet points without consequences???
Slap people wirelessly, and get a break from the internet to cool off? sign me up.
Still worth it
…and your provider slaps you with a hefty bill.
Is it just the service I was using at the time to perform the slap, or all internet access is closed to me? Also, is it computer based only, or could I potentially buy 20 burner phones to slap the shit out of someone? What about VPNs?
So you can go outside and calm down from therandom internet argument, good call
Being the first known human to fully interface with a machine also leads to the discovery of cross-platform illnesses.
You are the first human to experience the effects of a backdoor trojan firsthand.
Trojan can’t communicate with host, still a win
I can feel the same emotions as others and am able to communicate without any misunderstandings.
It only works on depressed people.
I’m sooooo ok with this. Being able to understand where their depression was and able to communicate perfectly how to shift their perspective would give me a purpose that would kill my depression and realign my perspective.
Become the best psychiatrist for depressed people ever
whenever a bird chirps you hear the actual meaning of its song, as if it were shouted at you in your native tongue.
So does that mean they also get horny af in spring?
Honestly I don’t think I need to corrupt this somehow. Enjoy.
I kind of like that one. Might be a bit overwhelming but at the beginning it sounds like fun 😃
You also have Tourette’s
“I can tell that you are dealing with a lot of PISSNUGGETS emotion trauma right now.”
You are always understood wrong
Ads are blocked for me in real life. Billboards, posters, tv-commercials, all gone!
You start bumping into invisible billboards all the time.
You realize you are living in North Korea.
They are blocked by obnoxious flashing and loud beeping noises.
RESUME VIEWING AD! RESUME VIEWING AD!
I instantly know the answer to ANY question
you now have access to cursed, ancient knowledge and it drives you crazy
blank reply?
Gif. Maybe your instance isn’t showing it.
possibly not, i’ve been having issues on and off this morning
It’s a gif! I swear it’s not blank haha
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when the lady asks for all knowledge
yeah i’ve been speaking with the owner of this instance and they’re doing some tweaks so things are a little funky
… but you are a callcenter agent working in first level IT support.
Did you try turning it off and back on again?
But you have to lie everytime you communicate
About league of legends
Written/spoken in random language every time
Photographic memory!
But you are blind
But your keys keep disappearing, even though you know you’ve put them there.
But you get schitzophrenia
fuji discontinued the film your memory uses
The only thing you can remember is what the inside of your own lower intestine like like.
Summon lobsters at will.
The size of pea
Rise my tiny loblets!
But they can summon you as well
When’s the downside coming?
From the bottom of the sea :)
Me: “What the hell am I doing at Publix?”
Lobsters: “Liberate us!”
The lobster are horse sized and crave human flesh.
I can jump 10x my own height and can stick to walls
Walking on the ground is always slippery
But you’re the size of an ant
You have no built in shock absorption and the substance you secrete that allows you to stick to walls also gives you eczema.
You get vertigo every time you jump
All my bodily functions smells nice, sort of perfume-like.
Your perfume-like scent acts as a pheromone to all insects in your proximity, leading to an endless swarm everywhere you go
So basically anytime I sweat already, but I’ll at least smell better. I honestly see no downsides.
All smells you used to enjoy smell like bodily functions.
I can make my dad come back from getting the milk
Now he forgot his cigarettes.
He brings his new family
I can materialize any technology I want, whether it is possible or not.
Everything materialized will run on coal
But everytime you do it you get sued for patent infringement
Mosquitos that drink my blood instantly die
But mosquitoes can detect you from much further away. Like several kilometers.
You take a bullet for the team.
When they die, they have already stung you and the bites are 2x more itchy.
Seeds i plant always grow to the full size plant in a day.
And require flesh for sustenance
And they continue to grow at the same pace.
what about fruit? perfectly ripe for lunch the next day?
Lets say, they grow to full ripe size every day
Yeah…uh… I’d get fat in a hurry.
Same. Maybe the fast growth makes them taste like bamboo?
In doing so you also grant the plant sentience with a mind that develops at the same pace as its physical maturity.
These plants are fully aware that
A. They have been robbed of a full life, B. They exist solely for the harvest C. They are the only ones of their kind and are alone in the vast uncaring universe beyond the prison you call a “window sill”.
They also see you planting other seeds and understand that makes you their parent. It’s a lot to process.
They grow immediately, which leads to you getting either stuck inside a tree with wood in your lungs or getting impaled by a plant.
Does obtaining the financial security of the average adult American in the 1980s count as a superpower? Home ownership on near-minimum wage does seem pretty fantastical.
But you become extremely jaded and disappointed in anyone younger than yourself, overcome with än irredeemable urge to tell people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps
Oh no
Invisibility!
but only for things you are wearing
Your clothes don’t get invisibility, so you have to get naked and eventually die of hypothermia.
would still work in florida
But you start to stink really bad
But you constantly fart loudly while you use it.
- become invisible
- walk into a room with several people in it
- start farting
- enjoy the chaos
I can talk to animals
They don’t understand you
Well the above was not apparently a superpower anyway…
They don’t like you.
You have prostate cancer
