All the beatings taught me pain is temporary and this is the worst they can do. I just have to outlast. They called me metal butt cause I stopped caring about the belt and hangers. Gma upgraded to pans.
I wanted to please. I suppressed my own needs, because I so badly didn’t want to be the problem. Harsh words were just as bad as a belt to me, so when I got the belt (unfairly, because their day was worse not because I was) I learned none of it was about me. So very quickly, I resented all of it
And now, suddenly as an adult I’ve again become the fuck up to them. I never asked for anything - I take what’s given, I open up when I’m pressed, but I just live.
And still, they treat me as a failure. I made six figures before I was 25 - which was my stupid goal. I wanted to die. Now and I make a fraction of that to work a few hours a week. Doing something that matters. I don’t want a partner, because I don’t want to be tempted to bring a child into this world.
Nothing will ever be good enough, because I don’t share their values. It sucks because I had a panic attack the last couple times my parents called me… They always increase my stress with made up fears
You sound like my mom with her mother. Breaks my heart to watch it for decades. She refuses to admit that her mom is incapable of loving her the way she wants. At one point mom gave Grandma whole paycheck and got an allowance. This is like 10 years ago a ~50 yo women. All of us are going wtf. Result was no change, constant verbal abuse continues. I could write a book but short is Mom will do anything to keep the peace.
I always say I don’t understand why mom or grandma are how they are because actually had a loving mom. Love your kids.
Tough though you may be, I too experienced wire coat hangers and the only relief I managed from those memories in adulthood has been EMDR. Look it up. It works.
I don’t think its toughness. Its that I didn’t care about punishment. What they going to do hit me more? Take away tv? At some point it has to stop. Just have to outlast. That doesn’t mean I purposely sort to break rules. They just defaulted to punishment so often it lost meaning to me. It was like taking a shower daily. I hated it but w/e. Now pain causes joker like laughter in me. Weird how mind adapts.
Fwiw, don’t punish your kids, it’s not an effective way to get them to change their behavior.
Blind one day stew.
One day blinding stew
A stew that makes you blind for one day
Stew that blinds you for a day.
1 day blind stew
All the beatings taught me pain is temporary and this is the worst they can do. I just have to outlast. They called me metal butt cause I stopped caring about the belt and hangers. Gma upgraded to pans.
I wanted to please. I suppressed my own needs, because I so badly didn’t want to be the problem. Harsh words were just as bad as a belt to me, so when I got the belt (unfairly, because their day was worse not because I was) I learned none of it was about me. So very quickly, I resented all of it
And now, suddenly as an adult I’ve again become the fuck up to them. I never asked for anything - I take what’s given, I open up when I’m pressed, but I just live.
And still, they treat me as a failure. I made six figures before I was 25 - which was my stupid goal. I wanted to die. Now and I make a fraction of that to work a few hours a week. Doing something that matters. I don’t want a partner, because I don’t want to be tempted to bring a child into this world.
Nothing will ever be good enough, because I don’t share their values. It sucks because I had a panic attack the last couple times my parents called me… They always increase my stress with made up fears
You sound like my mom with her mother. Breaks my heart to watch it for decades. She refuses to admit that her mom is incapable of loving her the way she wants. At one point mom gave Grandma whole paycheck and got an allowance. This is like 10 years ago a ~50 yo women. All of us are going wtf. Result was no change, constant verbal abuse continues. I could write a book but short is Mom will do anything to keep the peace.
I always say I don’t understand why mom or grandma are how they are because actually had a loving mom. Love your kids.
Tough though you may be, I too experienced wire coat hangers and the only relief I managed from those memories in adulthood has been EMDR. Look it up. It works.
I don’t think its toughness. Its that I didn’t care about punishment. What they going to do hit me more? Take away tv? At some point it has to stop. Just have to outlast. That doesn’t mean I purposely sort to break rules. They just defaulted to punishment so often it lost meaning to me. It was like taking a shower daily. I hated it but w/e. Now pain causes joker like laughter in me. Weird how mind adapts.
Please research EMDR. Honestly, it helped me from a very similar past.
I laughed when my mom broke her bread paddle across my back…
Hope she didn’t use the pointy part afterwards.