I will eat cereal out of a cheesy foreskin before I assent to any such decision

Looks like it’s gonna be Donny Van De Beek

I’ve only used one, and I’m only mentioning it since nobody else has, but I recommend Lean; moreso as a second functional language if you want to build stuff as opposed to just learn the paradigm. It’s mostly used in maths because it supports dependent types, but it was fine for writing simple scripts, and it can be easily compiled to binary formats. I don’t like the package management system and toolchain complexity, but most languages kinda suck at that, imo.