I’ll try to keep this short, sorry!
We met at a tumultuous time in my life ~7 years ago and bonded over shared trauma very quickly. Since then, we’ve been excellent friends. In this years since, we’ve both been through a tremendous amount of personal growth and strife and have grown closer and closer. She’s just the kindest and most beautiful soul and makes me feel safe and like I have worth. She’s said similar about me.
We’ve had a ton of friends mistake us for dating - to be fair, we’re both touch starved and since we’re so close emotionally, we’re typically physically close as well. Like holding hands, kissing one another on the head or arm, snuggling, etc. Because of the mistaken notions of friends, we had a very real conversation about what “we” are, and the first conversation we had alluded to the fact that she had some romantic interest, and I was happy to move forward with a romance. The conversation was cut short and the next time we had a conversation, I was more forward that I wanted and was hoping for romance after sorting through my feelings since the first conversation. But she began to back pedal.
She’s afraid that things will change. And she’s also afraid of her own internal anxieties pushing forward to chew at her and cause resentment if she feels like she’s not good enough. In her words, she’s not a very exciting person and her idea of a good time is phone in hand laying on the couch.
I’ve known her long enough and spent enough time with her to know this, but I don’t want to push the issue and create discomfort. But that being said, I do want a relationship to come out of our friendship.
I’m stuck in what I can do, if anything. I can try to reassure her and I can propose a trial period or whatever. But I don’t want to come off as pushy and I don’t want to betray any of her feelings, nor do I want to breathe any life into those anxieties she harbours. Can anyone offer some advice? Or just some thoughts, even.
There aren’t a lot of details for me to base this on so I’m speculating here, but it sounds like you two are already in a relationship of sorts. One that is more than friendship but less than a romantic one.
It sounds like you two share a lot with each other, talk a lot and spend a lot of time together. This would create an intimacy that wouldn’t exist in a typical friendship, because it’s usually what people in a romantic relationship do. And if neither of you have partners, you would lean on each other for that emotional support.
Now, as for taking the next step, you should tread slowly and carefully. I suggest you continue to support your friend as a friend, and let her come to terms with her feelings and her fears. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is continue to be around her and be her friend. There’s nothing else that will really tip the scales, and anything else you try could tilt them against you.
Your friend is afraid of ruining the relationship she already has with you, because she values it and values you. Only patience and time will let her understand that fear and decide if it’s worth the risk.