This is very long, so: TL;DR I had an okay but slightly mutually verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years, living together. I finally got sick of it and left somewhat suddenly early in the month. She says she is broke and I need to give her 2 months rent and utilities, saying I broke a lease (I never signed a lease). I have literally no money and would have to ask my mother, and my mother is “uh, no”. How bad should I feel about this?

I [42M] recently left a 3 year relationship with my GF [44 F]. We’d been living together since the start and sharing rent and most expenses. We had known each other from previous work, though we both no longer were in that industry, and basically had a good rapport.

However, we had a difficult time getting along almost the entire time… some good times, but frequent arguments with lack of proper communication, and we never could agree about how to run the house as far as roommate basics (dishes, laundry, organization). I was recovering from a long bout of illness (as in, 1-3 years) and she was getting back on her feet after helping her sick parents, who passed away, and dealing with their estate. So neither of us were working again yet. My problems and general dumbness left me with a bit of a drinking problem, and she wasn’t too perfect in that regard either.

We had both been long self-employed, and tried setting up spaces to work around the house, but couldn’t agree on what to do, so we had long stalemates. When I’d try to talk about important issues, she had habits of ignoring me, acting like I wasn’t talking, changing the topic and criticizing me about something irrelevant, and I’d get irritated by that and we’d end up arguing. Then she wouldn’t take any accountability for her role, never work on or fix what I was talking about (and it was things like, I feel like a kitchen slave, or our laundry situation is insane and I can’t find any of my clothes, or we need to sell your junk car that’s in the way). I was paying for all the groceries, doing all the dish work, and all the cooking. I changed it to I pay 2/3 (I have special dietary needs, so fine) but that was still annoying.

We didn’t have much time in common… she’d work in her art studio or watch TV, I’d be at the computer, we’d sleep at different times. We had some problems like where she started buying crypto, it went up by 250%, then I tried really hard to get her to sell it (when BTC were at their 2021 peak) and she’d ignore me, act like I wasn’t talking, change the topic to complain about me, say “it’s an investment!” and generally just drive me insane. She did things like spend $10,000 on ETH and BTC when I was asleep. Her choice, but holy cow.

We ended up basically celibate for 2 1/2 years, arguing often, but she would tell me gushy “oh I love you honey you’re the best, you’re my guy!” type things which rang false and made me feel sort of icky after a while. For years our schedules and her insensitivity disrupted my sleep, which seemed like some form of abuse after a while (I’d get woken up by loud TV or her coming to bed after 2-3 hours and not be able to get back to sleep, repeatedly). We’d end up in loud arguments about her ignoring my concerns, demeaning me, saying unfair things (like, saying okay, sure, I do all the dishes but do I deep clean? When did I last scrub a toilet? which is nonsense because i did that too). She wouldn’t call the landlords about anything in the house, which is sort of okay because they were incompetent and stingy, but we ended up with things like a leak in the basement for 8 months that nobody ever reported.

I’d sneak off and buy liquor because if she saw me drinking, she’d instantly start treating me like crap, which obviously would lead to arguing. If I shared alcohol with her though, we’d also end up arguing. If I drank when she was asleep generally things were fine, though as most drunk people, I’d sometimes to stupid things like take long walks or call people to chat when I was out of it. I’d call my friends and family and tell them I was so fed up with the relationship that I was going insane, but then I’d stay there.

She’d never discuss finances with me realistically or make a budget and if we did, what she would say was very one-sided, like “she bought me shoes!” while meanwhile I was the only person in the house with a car for 3 years. She insisted I never paid her for utilities while actually, I was paying $100 a month explicitly for utilities - I paid for all the groceries and the only way to get her to pay was to deduct it from rent/utilities, so she’d ask things like “can you just give me the full amount this month?” As in, pay for all the groceries. I actually paid 100% of all groceries for the first 2 years and didn’t want to do that any more. I’ll add, I had no job and was being supported by my parents. I have very expensive medical conditions and was on Medicaid after being out of work for 3 years+ due to illness, which makes working complicated. Meanwhile she spent down her small inheritance and wasn’t really trying at all to make money. My car got hit and totaled which made our lives harder.

So, finally we had some wild arguments about her being inconsiderate and demanding and I’d had enough. She would raise her voice and sound like she was chiding, correcting or lecturing me frequently, I’d ask her to please not talk to me like that (not that I need special respect - just not verbal abuse) and she’d ignore me and adopt an even louder and more harsh tone. The only way to get her to stop berating me was to raise my voice even louder, yell at her to stop, or drop what I was doing and leave.

I started to pack my stuff and then realized I couldn’t really leave due to not having a car or money. I relented and tried to figure out what to do (like, maybe make real plans and pack slowly). But then 3 days later we had the same arguments again and I decided I had to leave. I got a moving truck and spent 3 days getting organized and moved back to my parents house.

Now she is telling me that she has no money, I left her with no food or anything (not really accurate), she won’t be able to pay rent and I need to ask my mother to send her over $2000 for two months of rent. We have talked some and it’s fine but she pressures me “you need to DO THE RIGHT THING”. I have pointed out that I have no money of my own, in part due to how we had this fucked up relationship for 3 years and never got anything organized. She is trying to apply for jobs and has plans, but I understand that may take a while. However she started asking me for money immediately - I paid bills for this month and left 3 weeks ago, so… she says I broke a lease, though I never did sign one. I understand she was counting on me for half the rent. She also says she won’t get a roommate or a temporary job and is trying to get a permanent salaried job (rent is over $2k a month).

Relationship-wise and emotionally, I’m glad to have ended it, though I also feel bad. I’m not exactly thrilled to have another failed relationship at this age and move back into my parents. The one positive thing is not hearing her raise her voice at me in a scolding tone or gaslight me about our relationship. I don’t feel good about moving out suddenly or her being left in the lurch, but at the same time, I believe that it wasn’t entirely unexpected and she didn’t listen to me about how I was feeling. If I made plans to leave she probably would have pretended nothing was happening.

So my question is, how should I really feel about all of that, finance wise?