October is Domestic Abuse awareness month. Perpetrators hide in plain sight, and they can be hard to spot. Good news is, there are clear signs
Warning signs of a DA perpetrator
- Jealous
- Controlling
- Relationship moves fast
- Extravagant gifts/shows of generosity that make the partner feel uncomfortable
- Selfish
- Blame-shifting (often to partner)
- Lying
- Distorted view of reality
- Substance misuse/gambling
- Jekyll and Hyde
- Double standards
- Speaks disrespectfully about their exes
- Unrealistic expectations
- Isolates partner from friends/family
- Crosses sexual boundaries
Supporting a friend who is being abused
- Be the opposite of the abuser – be kind, respectful, and non-judgemental
- Don’t tell them what to do, they get enough from the perp – ask them what they think
- Don’t judge them, understand they’re in a really awful position – avoid “why” questions and support their decision, even if you think it’s wrong
- Don’t ever, ever, EVER tell them to “just leave” – it’s destructive
- Remember, no matter how much you see, you’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg – there will be a lot that your friend is hiding
You can be a victim of domestic abuse and not be the abuser’s partner. It can look much different. Uneven power dynamics, covert behavior, duplicitness, inappropriate anger, ignoring your vulnerability, constantly talking about committing gun violence, admission of unrepentant sexual abuse. I’m just accepting this was domestic abuse. It happened to me in May. I was concerned with everyone else but I’ve minimized the impact on me ever since. Even when I went to a BHU I thought I just wasn’t strong enough instead of that I was reacting to victimization from someone who gave me a place to sleep.